About a month ago my mom started to call saying that she wanted to see me again. To me this totally came out of left field. Like, where does she get the audacity to walk out of my life and all of a sudden decide five years later that she wants back in??Obviously that’s unfair! She caused so much damage when she left. I had to become a woman on my own and she didn’t do her job as a mother. However, God used this to show me that I still have an open wound where my heart needs mending.
On my flight back from Puerto Rico, I started to think about her and all the love poured into my heart by God during that week. God used my aunt as such a blessing; she was a sweet example of how a woman of God should be. She is just so loving, affectionate, compassionate, caring, understanding, faithful and positive… At that moment I was filled with longing to know my mom, the strong woman of faith that she once was and that I knew she could be again. I felt in my heart the strong need to write her a letter. So I asked the Holy Spirit to give me the right words; words of love.
For whatever reason, during the whole week I was gone, my mom was desperate to talk to me. I know that in her mind, she is sick, and she could invent anything to say that I don’t love her or want to talk to her. Dealing with people who are bipolar are a sensitive case, I didn’t want to stir the pot and God knows that I do love her. All those crazy things she comes up with in her head are not true. So when I finally settled back home, I felt all the more reason to write her the letter.
As I composed the letter I thought about the consequences of her decisions. She left our home out of anger against God and decided to pursue whatever the “H-E-double-hockey-sticks” she wanted to (her words). Now she’s living in poverty, has poor health and is barely making ends meet! I thought of the way she broke my dad’s heart, and of the way she led me to believe that I could find whatever I wanted outside of God too. When she left, our home split, and our whole family fell into rebellion. The only one who wasn’t completely affected by her departure was my little brother because he was a baby; but still, he never got to really know our mom. Then I began to imagine the way she must be suffering now, as she is all alone trying to reach out to her only daughter…
So I poured out my heart to her when I wrote, “Dear Mom, …I would like to have a relationship with you but I have come to realize something: I’m not ready, and neither are you. God’s timing and God’s plans are perfect. He does not desire for neither you nor I to suffer or to be hurt. He desires for both of our hearts to be healed. He desires for each of us to have a personal relationship with Him. Only when we choose to live to serve Him do we have perfect peace. Peace of mind. When we live completely for Jesus, we feel truly fulfilled.
You and I are not at the same place in life right now. I want to remind you that I love you. The whole purpose of this letter is to express my love to you. But I cannot be close to you if you are not personally close to God. You have to want to seek help. You have to want to get better. You have to want to let go. You have to forgive yourself by accepting God’s forgiveness for you at the cross, through His son Jesus. Only then, if and when you are well – and the fruits of repentance are shown in you, will I be willing to open up to you…”
I waited before I sent the letter. I waited for the Lord’s say so. This might sound silly, but this was the best way I knew it was the right time to send the letter. I asked God for a sign the night I wrote it. The next day,Thursday, I had class in the morning and I reminded him again saying, “God, you know the day this letter needs to get to my mom’s hands. Send me a sign. If you want me to send the letter today, send a bird to land and fly by in front of me, if tomorrow, send a bird to my right, and if next week, send it to my left.
No bird came.
That weekend my dad took us kids to the beach and when I came back to class on Monday I asked God for the same thing. As I headed to class a random bird swooped down in front of me from my right and flew to my left! I said, “God! Was that you? Confirm to me if this is what you want.” So when class was over I made my way to the parking lot and four other birds swooped down from my right to my left!
If you didn’t know, the number five means grace! So I said, “Ok God, I’ll send it tomorrow. It’s out of my hands and I surrender it all to you.”
This past weekend my mom received the letter and she was less than delighted but God used my dad to reaffirm my love and the Lord’s love for her. I haven’t heard from her today. I’m just praying, waiting and hoping in my Lord Jesus for him to fulfill his promises to me concerning my mom. I know that this letter will be the beginning of her healing and restoration. She will be well again and I will have my mom back in Jesus’ name.