I remember the time I went to the Cave Window back in April for spring break. I remember what it felt like to enter in that damp, dark cavern with only a small light to illuminate my feet. I could literally only see the steps in front of me. Then I had to pass through a tight, uncomfortable space before the light at the end of the tunnel flooded my eyes, and welcomed me with a warmth of wonder and surprise. I didn’t understand or know where I was going but the guide led me along the unfamiliar path. Then all of a sudden, I was there. I was staring in the face of God’s promises for my life.
Looking back from that experience to where I am now in life helps to give me perspective. I really don’t understand what’s going on right now in the midst of this uncertainty accompanied with the desires of my heart, and the promises of God’s breakthrough for my family. To tell you the truth, I don’t know how we’re going to get there, but I’m just trusting God.
Allow me to rewind a little bit to about a year ago.
Two days after we returned from our trip to Costa Rica, we were run out of our apartment due to an arson that set the building up in flames. We were homeless for about a month, but God faithfully provided us with this apartment. We received orders from the Lord not to furnish our home, but only to keep the essentials that we needed. We knew that we wouldn’t be here for much longer.
When we got back from Costa Rica this year, God said that it’s time for us to move. Again.
But the thing is, we’ll be moving to another apartment for a month while the new company that bought this complex is completely renovating each building. Hallelujah, because God has answered the prayers of those who desired to see this ghetto cleaned up and restored! I am really thankful to the Lord for this because it’s time this place got a new start! Our hearts however, are set on packing up to go elsewhere. I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you, hehe.
My daddy calls this particular move, Abraham day. He shared with me that when he was in the drug rehabilitation ministry, that his spiritual father set days to shake out all of the brothers in the program from their comfort zones by relocating each of them to a new bed and to another room. My dad used this example to help me understand that God also sets seasons in our lives to shake us out of our comfort zones so that we don’t get too settled in one place.
But I’m here like, “God, did you really have to do it the day after we go back to school?!”
I’m not complaining though! I’m taking this part of the season in strides. I know that there is blessing in this. The benefit of it is that we will at least come back to enjoy the new apartment’s complete renovation! — Until God moves us again.
There is another reason as to why I feel the need to share with you the uncertainty of this particular season that is laying heavy on my heart, and it doesn’t have anything to do with the move, or it’s inconvenience for that matter. It actually has to do with the mystery of what’s become of my mother.
Basically what happened to my mom is this: My mom divorced my dad when I was nine, and completely left my life when I was sixteen. She was diagnosed with a severe case of bipolarism, schizophrenia and paranoia after she had a miscarriage of twins. What I can remember from my mom before then was that she was a strong godly woman but that she later turned her back on the Lord. God used her powerfully as a prophetess. When the Lord spoke to her and revealed things to her about the hidden sins of others, she spoke with words of authority and judgment to the unrepentant sinners, and what the Holy Spirit predicted through her always came to pass. She was a prayer warrior, and an avid faster. She was also a good mother, like a lioness, always ready to protect her babies. She was strong, and fierce but she had one weakness: She had a track record of unfaithfulness to the Lord. She would get right with God and then backslide to the ways of the world on a pursuit of her own will, not God’s. Each and every time she left God’s side, she dug her own holes deeper into sins unimaginable for a child of God, and they swallowed her like quicksand.
It’s not to say that God can’t heal her, because He most certainly can. There is undeniable power in the name of Jesus. But He gives everyone free will and she chose to harden her heart to the One who paid the price of her sins at the cross. That’s why it saddened me to find out a few days after returning from Costa Rica this year that my mom disappeared. According to her living-mate, she came home one night completely belligerent and indecently dressed. She was saying that “God told her” to get off of her meds and find her kids with a man that she was having an affair with, a so called, Vincent Gambini (a dead mafioso). She quit her job, bought a random car and went on a lone road trip. Last we heard, the high way patrol found her broken down car abandoned on the side of the highway. Where is she? Only God knows…. We’ve been waiting for information as we’ve also contacted the police; but here we are with our hands tied. Waiting. What could have become of my mom?
I had a dream about her three nights ago. In the dream she called me, and I asked her where she was and if she was okay? But she hung up. I shared this dream with my dad, and by no coincidence he had the same dream that same night too. What could that mean? Could God be preparing our hearts for something?…
I told God and frequently tell him again and again, “Lord, I know you promised me lots of things concerning my mom. You promised me her restoration, and that you would heal her and use her again to testify about the dangers of walking away from you. But you know what’s best, God. I won’t be mad at you if what you promised doesn’t come to pass because I know that it is impossible for you to lie (Hebrews 6:18). Just give my mom peace from this torment that she’s living. Only you know if she will ever live with a repentant heart. If not, give her the opportunity to repent in the face of death, and take her home with you. My only request to you Lord is that my mom not die in her sins. Jesus, have mercy on her soul…”
These words are on my heart everyday that the mystery of my mom is kept sealed. I just pray for the light of knowing what’s happened to her. To accept something. To know that she’s ok. To move on. This is really hard for me to process, because I was always holding on to the hope of being reunited to the woman of God I remember her to be. I pray for her well being though. Whether here on earth, but more so for her eternity. If I can’t have her back now, then I hope to see her again in heaven.
So here I am walking through the temporary season of this dark cave. With boxes cluttering my room, filled with the reminder of Abraham day. But more so with the hopes of God’s promises for my family and my life. I hold fast to what the Word of God promises me in places like Jeremiah 29:11 and Isaiah 55:8-9. I’ve decided not to let my heart be troubled and not to be afraid because Jesus is here to take me by the hand and lead me to the flood of light that I once saw at the end of the way– that day I went into the cave.