It’s 2 AM and I’m laying up in bed.
it’s dark and all I hear is the ceiling fan whirring up above me,
along with the thoughts in my head, narrating my heart b-b-b-b-beat.
My hands crossed upon my breast,
I feel my heart b-b-b-beating against the walls of my chest
and do you know what that means?
It means that I’m still living.
It means that I’m still breathing,
and that I have a purpose.
It means that my life has meaning.
Have you ever thought about what self-esteem and dignity mean?
It means that you respect yourself, value your self.
It means that you admire who you are
as a human being.
In the past few weeks I realized that I don’t have to do
anything that I don’t want to. I’m not tied to anyone’s
opinion of who I ought to be.
Because my identity is in the cross. In whom Jesus says I am.
I ought to be loving and kind, yes.
Considerate and loving my neighbor,
but not at the expense of my self-worth.
Who likes feeling rejected or ignored?
We all want to be accepted
the truth is,
that the truth is a hard pill for many to swallow.
I ought to be like Jesus, who spoke the truth
in the face of his opponents who breathed out murder against him.
Jesus esteemed the opinion of his Father in heaven
and God was pleased with him,
Jesus had to stand alone.
As long as I’m speaking and living the truth for the glory of His Son,
My Father in heaven looks down on me and says,
“that’s my girl!”
One thing to remember is, is that the world didn’t die for me.
My dignity and self-worth is found at the cross.
Not in any other thing or human being.
I am a fighter,
I’ve made it through lonely days, and lonely nights. I’ve survived moments without “friends”, because we’ve all parted our separate ways. I’ve pushed past suicidal thoughts, and won the victory over depression. But every time I feel myself slipping back, God works me like a muscle:
He brings me to my limits
and breaks me down again
so that I can recover
and be made stronger.
I have to keep moving, keep walking past
the circumstances that tell me God has forgotten.
I have to keep trusting, praying and surrendering to God
because He will prove that what He said will come to pass.
As long as my heart is b-beating, and I have breath in my lungs
God has a plan for my living, something that I could never plan on my own.
I’m a warrior in Christ and I’m never going to give up.