This is my original photo.
Hey guys, I’m back!
I apologize for being MIA for the past few months, but it was a time of learning, growth, deliverance, and discovery of myself in Christ.
Between October and November I went through a really dark valley that brought me into a seemingly, hopeless season of depression. During this time I didn’t understand what was happening to me and why I couldn’t recognize my own reflection in the mirror, or why my eyes were so dark. I couldn’t even bring myself to smile without bursting into tears. I was miserable. And it was because for a moment, I lost my faith. I almost lost myself.
God permitted me to hit rock bottom.
But He never left my side for a moment.
The Lord used a sister in Christ to come to my house one of those restless nights, and I poured out my heart to her. She asked me, what was wrong.. The only words that I could muster were “I just feel so lonely!..” She caught me in her arms, cradled me like a baby and I wept as she began to battle for my life in prayer. When she was done, she looked at me square in the face and said to me with authority, “you need to fast. You need to battle and fight for your life! God has a great purpose for you but the enemy will use you to destroy you if you let him. If you don’t fight, you will commit suicide in this very room. You are a warrior.”
I’m not going to lie to you, I felt the fear of the Lord as she prophesied those words over me. I knew that the devil is real, I know that demons are real and that hell is real. But I also knew Jesus is real and He came to disarm the power of Satan and his demons at the cross, and more than that, Jesus TRIUMPHED over them (Colossians 2:15). For everything that Satan came to steal, to kill, and to destroy in our lives, Jesus came to give us back in life, and life in abundance (John 10:10) and that means leading us to freedom through the valley of the shadow of death here on earth.
He promises to give us rest. Peace. Joy. (Hewbrews 4:1, John 14:27, 15:10-11)
That very night I was decided. I was not going to take the enemies attacks lying down anymore. I entered into a fast for two weeks and Jesus delivered me from the spirit of fear (1 Timothy 1:7, 1 John 4:18) . The spirit didn’t leave on happy terms, but unfortunately, upon eviction, it left me with a staph infection on my tailbone. I couldn’t sit or lie down for a week, and had to go through surgery to get the infection drained out. The timing was no coincidence either. I already had a trip planned for months to go out to Costa Rica, and left about a week after the surgery.
By the grace of God I was healed in time to be able to sit comfortably for the six hour journey. I was still on medication and still a little sore from the operation but that didn’t stop me from participating in the Christmas activities that I so longed to be apart of since last June! I danced and sang in the Christmas musical without any pain or discomfort and by that time I was completely healed!
I had a lot of fun celebrating Christmas and New Years with my Costa Rican family. But I also received necessary correction from the Lord while I was there. From the very first sermon since arriving, He confronted my disobedient and unbelieving heart (Hebrews 3:7-11). He helped me understand that He will never leave me nor forsake me, and that His promises are as secure as any written contract, but His are so much more valid than any human contract because it is impossible for Him to lie and because He always has the final say (Hebrews 6:15-18; 13:5-6). By the the end of the trip, the Lord ministered to my heart and promised to fulfill the desires of my heart in short time.
With that being, I returned to the States in time for classes to start in January. I didn’t come back the same, but with a fire that burned deep down in my belly. I returned with a joy that lit up my face, and with confidence that what the Lord said will happen, will happen in due time.
As I came back, The Holy Spirit continued to show me in God’s Word how to be faithful (Hebrews 3:14-15), how to rest in Jesus (Matthew 11:28-30; Hebrews 4: 6-10), how to be generous (Isaiah 58: 6-14, 2 Corinthians 9:6-15), how to love others and how to love myself (Romans 13:8-14); not care what other people think about me (Isaiah 2:22; Psalm 146: 3-5; Galatians 1:9-10) and how to be content (1 Corinthians 7: 22-23; Philippians 4:12-13). These are just a few of the many things the Holy Spirit has cooking in my heart…
Then today after prayer, after a moment of crying at Jesus’ feet over some silly anxiety in my heart. I sat down on my bed and began to say to my friend the Holy Spirit, “I really don’t remember in detail where I was exactly this time last year. I mean, I know that I was sad, but I don’t know what was troubling my heart. But I do remember that I spent Valentine’s day with you at Holy Land. It was the day that I saw Jesus and almost ran out into the scene of the garden of Gethsemane to hug him! That was a beautiful memory we shared together…”
Then this thought hit me like an oncoming truck:
“If I don’t remember all of the details of everything that happened precisely one year ago, except that I was sad. Then whatever was troubling me a year ago doesn’t matter today. Neither will whatever troubles me now, matter in a year from now…
And what if tomorrow never comes? What if Jesus returns for me before then in the rapture. Then none of it matters!”
The apostle Paul must have had the same revelation when he wrote this letter to the Philippians:
7 But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. 8 Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith; 10 that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death,
I even agree with what the Holy Spirit inspired Paul to write in verses 11 through 14:
I don’t expect myself to have been perfected in the knowledge of what I’ve learned in the span of these past months, but I do know that I’m still Christ’s work in progress– as we all are until we come to stand before the throne of God, face-to-face before the Master and give an account to Him of all the things we’ve done in this life (2 Corinthians 5:10; Philippians 3:13-14). Only then will we completely understand the grand scheme of His plan (Isaiah 55:6-12). All that will be left for us to do is just love Him, and remain in awe of Him for all of eternity (Revelation 22:13, 17).
I’m not a scholar or a theologian. I’m just a repentant sinner who has a personal relationship with her Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
I love you all, but Jesus loves you more!