Dance With Me

Last night I had a beautiful dream that I’m really excited to share with you! It’s short and sweet but very lovely.

I dreamt that I was in my kitchen, and I was facing the wall where the clock hangs. I don’t really remember what I was doing in the kitchen, but I know that I was remembering the Word of God in my heart.

In front of me was a white card floating in the air with my name on in lowercase letters: rose of sharon (which means, the church or bride of Christ).

Then behind the card was a large, white cloud that formed into a man. It was Jesus Christ.

He stretched out his hand to me, and said, “It is I. The God that you serve.”

I took his hand and we shared a secret! Then we danced in the kitchen, I gave him a hug, and the dream ended.

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Photo by Alvin Mahmudov on Unsplash.

What matters most…

I just got done reading the Beatitudes tonight and I would like to share my thoughts with you about them.

Before now, I always saw the Beatitudes as a beautiful, yet contradictory poem. The words in themselves are lovely, but I could never really understand how one could be “blessed” in the midst of a lot of bad situations. I found it especially hard to understand how one could be happy when they’re persecuted, talked bad about, and made fun of.

But tonight, before I read, I ask the Holy Spirit to teach me and I learned something that I didn’t see before.

I let myself ask those questions that I didn’t dare asked before because, “How dare I question, God…” but I mean, I really wanted to know…

I sat and wondered about all of the people who read that passage before me and actually found comfort in those “contradictions”.

 

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Photo by Olivia Snow on Unsplash.

 

Then I realized:

The Beatitudes are about trusting in God when we are feeling mistreated by other people. But instead of lashing out at the people who hurt us we trust in God. We trust Him with the circumstance, with the hurtful emotions they cause us, and when we are so weak to the point that we can’t even find the strength to forgive somebody who could be so mean. We turn to God and ask Him to give us the courage to forgive so that we can let go of the pain. This is what being humble looks like, and it gives room for us to be kind in return.

I was like, “wow… when we’re nice in a situation where we’re treated poorly, God shows us mercy because we are being merciful… and He will satisfy our cry for justice… I mean.. can you imagine the amount of suffering people who are able to make it through the day with a smile on their face because they CHOSE to trust GOD and LOVE when unforgiveness was the other option?”

It’s so easy to hold on the hurt. But in the end you’re only hurting yourself when you don’t let that go…

This made me really think about my reality as a Christian. How God wants us to love Him and love other people too. But somewhere in the Bible, it says that we can’t love God if we hate our brothers and sisters. I mean, God knows we can’t see Him, so how could we love someone we can’t see if we mistreat the humans that we can love with our words and actions (1 John 4:20)?

I really got to thinking and asked myself… “Rosa? What matters most?” And I came to the conclusion that what matters most is that we love God, and love one another. What matters most is how we treat each other. In the end, it’s all about being kind in a cruel world. Choosing the love of Christ which goes against the grain of what is emotionally acceptable. Because I mean, Jesus saw how much of a hard person I am to live with, but he still loved me. So why can’t I do that for Jesus, and love my neighbor too?

That’s what matters most…

When Heaven Fights Back

In my last post, I wrote about being mad at God. When I wrote it I still didn’t understand why I went through what I did, but I accepted God’s forgiveness knowing that none of that is his fault.

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Photo by Andrew Yardley on Unsplash.

 

God is so good though because now I understand what God delivered me from.

Where do I even begin? Let’s see… I guess I could say the first clue came last Sunday after church service when The Holy Spirit was ministering to the congregation. My dad was the vessel used at the time, praying for the people, and it was nearing the end of the service. My eyes were closed, and I was standing in the back of the church praying. I felt a hand on my forehead and it was my dad. He prayed for me saying that all Satanic pacts that were dedicated for my life from my maternal grandmother are broken. I didn’t know where that came from, but I just received it in the moment and didn’t think about it again.

Fast forwarding to yesterday, my dad took my brother and me to a church ministry here called Combate (Combat) because a woman there wanted to pray for me and my little brother. I understood that we would talk individually and then she would pray for us.

When we spoke, she probed my past. She asked questions about my mom, my childhood, and my grandmother. It turns out that I still had hurt in my heart about my mom, her erratic behavior when I was a kid, and the experience of my parents’ divorce. Furthermore, it’s been a year since her disappearance and it’s still a mystery. Police reports came up leading to clues about her passing, but other than that we don’t know anything. That had really affected me, –obviously and I didn’t know how to cope with the news.

But what’s enlightening about the matter is who my grandmother was. The bible talks about generational curses to the 3rd and 4th generations (Exodus 20:5). Sometimes we don’t know about our ancestors: who they were, or what kind of things they did in their lifetimes. The woman explained to me that my grandmother was a witch (I already knew that my grandmother practiced witchcraft). What I didn’t know was that witches dedicate their generations to serve Satan and that after one of them dies, those spirits in the person’s life go to the next generation as a line of inheritance. When my grandmother died, she gave my mom a necklace heirloom and that was when I remember that my mom went especially nuts. I realized that it could be possible that my mother passed away and that those spirits that she inherited came to torment me and that they drove me to the mental hospital to recruit me as a witch.

I know this sounds crazy, but now it all makes so much sense. While I was in the hospital I fought for my Salvation. I cried out to God and said I didn’t want to be a witch. And if it weren’t for Jesus and my soul’s deep cry to serve God as His Child… well I guess you can imagine the outcome…

But God’s plans for my life were another!

Let’s get back to yesterday. The woman lead me through a prayer to break those generational curses and to renounce the legal rights the Devil had in my life because of my grandmother (all in Jesus’ name). Now the pact is broken and I’m free to serve Jesus as how he meant for me to do all along. The only inheritance for me and my ancestors is the inheritance of the Kingdom of God! ❤

But now, now, I understand why I went to the hospital and experienced such a horrible, tormenting experience.

Now I realize God’s mercy in my life and his love for me. That even though I was out of it, He never left me for a single moment. Now I understand that God’s plans for my life are for peace and that not even the powers of hell can take that away from me.

Thank you, Jesus.

 

Mad at God

 

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Photo by Ben White on Unsplash.

 

I find that in the past few months I was pointing my fingers at everyone and everything else as a way to hide the anguish of what I was really feeling. Consciously, as I came to, I knew that it was absurd for me to be mad at God because I mean, He-is-Who-He-is, and I’m just a mortal human made of dust. That, however, didn’t change the fact how I felt. I blamed Jesus for what happened to me in the mental hospital, and my actual getting there.

I was so mad at God that he let me momentarily go crazy and allow me to go through such a scary process. I made a fool of myself running in the streets of my apartment complex, telling people to repent because Jesus was coming back soon. The night before, I stayed up all night praying because I thought the devil was out to get me, and the next day after my rampage, I was prepared to die and take a bullet for the sake of Christ. Don’t ask me how I was going to find a gun. That’s part of the crazy. But I was so mad at God after everything became clear. I was mad that I became an extremist who thought her life was going to end with a bullet to the brain at 22. I heard voices telling me to get ready to die and I was ready to give up everything for the glory of God.

It doesn’t even end there.

That same day, I fell into a psychotic rage in the middle of my bedroom. Something told me my dad was the devil and that I was the Christ. The scary thing is that I actually believed that heresy. I cried within and without saying, “I want to get out of here! I want to go to the crazy house! I can’t stand it anymore!”

So the police came and took me away. They took me to the crazy house.

But it was never God’s will for me to die for him. It was to God’s glory that he sent Jesus to die for me! The devil is such an evil liar that he makes people believe that sacrificing their life for God is what brings him glory, but it only makes the One who created human beings very sad. At the time, I didn’t realize this and later when I did I was so mad.

I was so mad at God for all that I experienced while I was in the mental hospital. I saw the devil try to come for my life one night. I saw demons during various nights gathered in groups outside the room I was staying in, waging war to kill me. Various witches manifested themselves inside of the hospital as patients and they cast their hexes on me, my family, my body, and my future because they knew I was Christian.

It was tough in there.

Oh, but I fought back. I quoted Isaiah 54:17 again and again and was amazed at how it stopped all of the curses in their tracks.

Yet, I became weak and afraid. Each and every spiritual battle drained me emotionally, and physically. It literally broke my spirit.

This made me hate myself for making Jesus look bad because as soon as I got there I told everyone “Jesus loves you!” But the enemy entinced me into thinking that I had lost the Holy Spirit and I desperately cried out to God in the middle of the night not to leave me. I’d say, “God! I want to live! Deliver me from this hell!!! I don’t want to die!!!”

The enemy didn’t stop there, he tried so hard to make me renounce my faith by making me think I was a Wiccan. And I would cry out and say, “No, I want to be a Christian!”After that, the nurses really did treat me like a nutcase “Just another religous fanatic who thinks she hears God’s voice.”

That’s what it said on the documents anyway.

So when they finally convinced me to take my meds, they put me on anti-depressants and mood stablizers. Do you know what that medication does to your body and reflexes?! It puts you to sleep and takes away your ability to move your body effectively. I was stiff and sleepy and angry that I couldn’t do normal things for myself like, walk quickly, bring food to my mouth fast enough, or wash my hair. Things I took for granted before, I longed to do for myself.

And when I got home I was a totally different person. The Lord used the meds to bring me into my right mind, but my spirit was still broken and I was struggling with suicidal thoughts. (A side effect from the medication I was taking). I couldn’t find a reason to smile and I became so mad at my dad for making me feel like a dependant child. Things I could do for myself, he did for me. This infuriated me! And furthermore I was infuriated towards God.

 

But not once did God give up on me. When I felt the most condemned, God sent men and women of God on His behalf to prophetically tell me how loved I am. That I’m His princess, and I have beautiful promises for my life. Everything that I had gone through was for good and for the consolation of other people.

One of my favorite ones is when my beloved friend told me, “you asked God to give you discernment of the spirits and what do you expect? You had to go through the trial.” Haha, I have to admit, I cringed when she told me that, and I even felt a little spite in my heart.

 

What’s more beautiful is that now, that I’m visiting in Costa Rica, I’ve been feeling some of those mad and sad feelings toward God. It’s beautiful because eventhough I may have been mad during praise and worship, the manifestation of the presence of God becomes so saturated in the air that it’s hard to hold that attitude in the company of His presence.

So when the church service ends and everyone’s gone, I remembered what that company felt like and prayed to Jesus in intimacy. I asked him for forgiveness for blaming him for everything that happened. I knew that it wasn’t God’s fault, but that more than anything, I wanted to be close to him like I was in my first love. A sincere and simple faith. No extremism, no religiousness, I wanted a relationship.

So he began answering that prayer.

I also asked him something else.

Another part of my anger towards God was because I feel like such a lonely person. In reality it’s hard for me to walk up to people and make friends. And after everything that’s happened, I don’t really feel like opening up to people right now. So I’ve become very quiet. In the longrun, this has affected me emotionally because I push eveyrone away.

So I asked the Holy Spirit one night that I felt especially sad to manifest his presence to me like he does during praise and worship when I feel most alone. And to remind me of those good things God says in the bible, and those things spoken over me prophetically by trust-worthy men and women of God. I even asked the  Holy Spirit to help me make long-lasting and trustworthy friendships in his perfect timing, and to allow me and my boyfriend to become closer as He sees is good.

And you know what? During those windows of moments when my emotions take a dive for the worst, I’ve felt an overwhelming blanket of peace that is above the circustancial and I remember scripture that says, God is with me and he will never leave me nor forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6).

I can’t explain it, but all the fear, desperation, and anxiety I felt in the past months that led up to my trip to the hospital has helped highlight the love, peace, compassion and soundness of Jesus’ presence in my life.

Today I found a verse in Psalms that is a reflection of how I literally feel when God is knocking at the doors of my heart. It doesn’t matter whether I’m mad at him, or even if I’m sad and in need of a friend, I know that he wants me to come to him:

My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.” And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.” Psalm 27:8

Then instead of being emotional because of the situation, I get all emotional because I realize how lovingly God pursues me, even when I feel like I don’t deserve it.

So you see, just because I may get mad at God, that doesn’t change the fact that he still loves me and that makes me very very happy.

Woman and The Compass

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Photo by Heidi Sandstrom. on Unsplash.

A wise woman once told me that my life is like a compass.

My view is the panorama of what I see every day, to the North, East and to the West. The North, she says, is my future and the South is the past.

She said to me that the North is where I must look ahead, keeping my eyes on Jesus, as He leads me in the way that I should go. The South is behind me and I am to never turn back, only to look to learn from my experiences.

The good experiences are meant to be memories that I collect from the places I go and the people that I meet. No one can take those good experiences and memories away from me, because they are my gift from God. They are mine.

As for those bad experiences– those that came by wrong decisions, mistakes or hurts caused by myself or others– I’m to learn from those moments, forgive and give them to God and let Him heal my heart.

She said that I can’t stay stuck in the past– whether good or bad– but that I need to keep moving forward in Jesus Christ.

That special woman gave me a gem on that day that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. Now when I reach any crossroads, I remember about the compass she told me about and call out to God as His Word says in Jeremiah 6:16:

Thus says the LORD, “Stand by the ways and see and ask for the ancient paths, Where the good way is, and walk in it; And you will find rest for your souls. But they said, ‘We will not walk in it.’

Doing this, I find comfort in the Lord, as He always gently leads me in the way I should go in Jesus Christ.

It is He who says to every wanderer:

Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30.

I’ll always remember this woman and cherish her with these special words in my heart. I know you’d love her too if you’d ever get the chance to know her. But I atleast hope you can appreciate these words of wisdom that I’ve come to cherish, and consider the compass– that when things get tough, always look ahead to Jesus who is our Compass in this hard but good life.

The Imperfect Christian

 

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This is my original photo.

 

Hey guys, I’m back!

I apologize for being MIA for the past few months, but it was a time of learning, growth, deliverance, and discovery of myself in Christ.

Between October and November I went through a really dark valley that brought me into a seemingly, hopeless season of depression. During this time I didn’t understand what was happening to me and why I couldn’t recognize my own reflection in the mirror, or why my eyes were so dark. I couldn’t even bring myself to smile without bursting into tears. I was miserable. And it was because for a moment, I lost my faith. I almost lost myself.

God permitted me to hit rock bottom.

But He never left my side for a moment.

The Lord used a sister in Christ to come to my house one of those restless nights, and I poured out my heart to her. She asked me, what was wrong.. The only words that I could muster were “I just feel so lonely!..” She caught me in her arms, cradled me like a baby and I wept as she began to battle for my life in prayer. When she was done, she looked at me square in the face and said to me with authority, “you need to fast. You need to battle and fight for your life! God has a great purpose for you but the enemy will use you to destroy you if you let him. If you don’t fight, you will commit suicide in this very room. You are a warrior.”

I’m not going to lie to you, I felt the fear of the Lord as she prophesied those words over me. I knew that the devil is real, I know that demons are real and that hell is real. But I also knew Jesus is real and He came to disarm the power of Satan and his demons at the cross, and more than that, Jesus TRIUMPHED over them (Colossians 2:15). For everything that Satan came to steal, to kill, and to destroy in our lives, Jesus came to give us back in life, and life in abundance (John 10:10) and that means leading us to freedom through the valley of the shadow of death here on earth.

He promises to give us rest. Peace. Joy. (Hewbrews 4:1, John 14:27, 15:10-11)

That very night I was decided. I was not going to take the enemies attacks lying down anymore. I entered into a fast for two weeks and Jesus delivered me from the spirit of fear (1 Timothy 1:7, 1 John 4:18) . The spirit didn’t leave on happy terms, but unfortunately, upon eviction, it left me with a staph infection on my tailbone. I couldn’t sit or lie down for a week, and had to go through surgery to get the infection drained out. The timing was no coincidence either. I already had a trip planned for months to go out to Costa Rica, and left about a week after the surgery.

By the grace of God I was healed in time to be able to sit comfortably for the six hour journey. I was still on medication and still a little sore from the operation but that didn’t stop me from participating in the Christmas activities that I so longed to be apart of since last June! I danced and sang in the Christmas musical without any pain or discomfort and by that time I  was completely healed!

I had a lot of fun celebrating Christmas and New Years with my Costa Rican family. But I also received necessary correction from the Lord while I was there. From the very first sermon since arriving, He confronted my disobedient and unbelieving heart (Hebrews 3:7-11). He helped me understand that He will never leave me nor forsake me, and that His promises are as secure as any written contract, but His are so much more valid than any human contract because it is impossible for Him to lie and because He always has the final say (Hebrews 6:15-18; 13:5-6). By the the end of the trip, the Lord ministered to my heart and promised to fulfill the desires of my heart in short time.

With that being, I returned to the States in time for classes to start in January. I didn’t come back the same, but with a fire that burned deep down in my belly. I returned with a joy that lit up my face, and with confidence that what the Lord said will happen, will happen in due time.

As I came back, The Holy Spirit continued to show me in God’s Word how to be faithful (Hebrews 3:14-15), how to rest in Jesus (Matthew 11:28-30; Hebrews 4: 6-10), how to be generous (Isaiah 58: 6-14, 2 Corinthians 9:6-15), how to love others and how to love myself (Romans 13:8-14); not care what other people think about me (Isaiah 2:22; Psalm 146: 3-5; Galatians 1:9-10) and how to be content (1 Corinthians 7: 22-23; Philippians 4:12-13). These are just a few of the many things the Holy Spirit has cooking in my heart…

Then today after prayer, after a moment of crying at Jesus’ feet over some silly anxiety in my heart. I sat down on my bed and began to say to my friend the Holy Spirit, “I really don’t remember in detail where I was exactly this time last year. I mean, I know that I was sad, but I don’t know what was troubling my heart. But I do remember that I spent Valentine’s day with you at Holy Land. It was the day that I saw Jesus and almost ran out into the scene of the garden of Gethsemane to hug him! That was a beautiful memory we shared together…”

Then this thought hit me like an oncoming truck:

“If I don’t remember all of the details of everything that happened precisely one year ago, except that I was sad. Then whatever was troubling me a year ago doesn’t matter today. Neither will whatever troubles me now, matter in a year from now…

And what if tomorrow never comes? What if Jesus returns for me before then in the rapture. Then none of it matters!”

The apostle Paul must have had the same revelation when he wrote this letter to the Philippians:

But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith; 10 that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death,

Philippians 3:7-10

I even agree with what the Holy Spirit inspired Paul to write in verses 11 through 14:

I don’t expect myself to have been perfected in the knowledge of what I’ve learned in the span of these past months, but I do know that I’m still Christ’s work in progress– as we all are until we come to stand before the throne of God, face-to-face before the Master and give an account to Him of all the things we’ve done in this life (2 Corinthians 5:10; Philippians 3:13-14). Only then will we completely understand the grand scheme of His plan (Isaiah 55:6-12). All that will be left for us to do is just love Him, and remain in awe of Him for all of eternity (Revelation 22:13, 17).

I’m not a scholar or a theologian. I’m just a repentant sinner who has a personal relationship with her Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

I love you all, but Jesus loves you more!

 

My Wings

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Photo by Alex Wigan on Unsplash.

9:30 PM – October 8, 2015

Too old to be a child, too young to be an adult.

I sat in the middle of the bathtub, letting the water from above shower my head and my back.

I just sat there thinking… I remembered Isaiah 40:31

 

But those who wait on the Lord

Shall renew their strength;

They shall mount up with wings like

eagles.

They shall run and not be weary,

They shall walk and not be faint.

Then I began to pray, I said, “God, I feel like a bird locked in a cage. Like my wings are bound and clipped. God, give me wings! I want to fly, I want to see the expanse of the earth below me. Take me to new heights. Sustain my wings with your hand. I want to fly with wings like eagles!”

Then I remembered the cave window, and the tight space I had to go through just before I was welcomed by the great expanse of the cave’s mouth.The beauty of the nature below looked like a painting as I remembered it in my mind’s eye, and I said to God, “If I had wings I would have flown out.”

Then something in my thoughts said, “no you wouldn’t. You’d be too afraid.”

And I said, “Lord, give me wings to fly because you have not given me the spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind.”

Then I said, “But God, I don’t want to fly alone. If you must, teach me how to fly first, but allow me to fly with my husband, with my lovebird.

My eyes were closed, and I wept as the water from above showered my bare back. I felt as if the room was spinning, but when I opened my eyes, I felt a surreal kind of peace.

I knew God heard my prayer and that he would give me wings.

Reply From Mom

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Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash. Edit by me.

My dear friends, I have great news!

Maybe some of you have read my earlier blog post entitled, “Letter to Mom”. If you haven’t you should totally check it out. Anyway, a couple of days ago I received a card from my mom in the mail in reply to the letter I sent her!

It reads:

“Dear Rosa de Saron,

I got your letter and I read it often. I gave my heart back to Jesus and ask God to help me get closer to him. I love you very much. Your letter convicted me asking Jesus to help me get closer to you.”

Hallelujah! Thank you Jesus for answering my prayers! My heart soars with elation to know that my mom gave her heart back to Jesus! This is the sweetest news to a wonderful testimony in the making! Glory to God!!!

If you will, please pray with me for my mother’s continual renewal in Jesus Christ. Pray with me for her road to recovery and that every stumbling block of discouragement the enemy may put in her way will be turned into stepping stones as God guides her steps toward restoration. Pray with me that she may know how deep, wide, far, and long is the love of Jesus Christ for her. That even though she is starting out in hopes to get closer to me, she may end up drawing closer to the Lord every day, taking delight in Him first, only to realize that our relationship will be the desires of her heart being answered in Jesus’ gracious, perfect timing. And finally pray with me for her deliverance in receiving a sound mind; that in doing so, God may use her life’s testimony for the sake of all those who will be touched by her story.

If you do pray with me, my heart goes out to you with much gratitude!

Yet my heart is filled with all the more gratitude to my God, because He is just so good! All I can say is “thank you Jesus!” I can’t wait to see what other awesome things He’s going to do next…