Mad at God

 

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Photo by Ben White on Unsplash.

 

I find that in the past few months I was pointing my fingers at everyone and everything else as a way to hide the anguish of what I was really feeling. Consciously, as I came to, I knew that it was absurd for me to be mad at God because I mean, He-is-Who-He-is, and I’m just a mortal human made of dust. That, however, didn’t change the fact how I felt. I blamed Jesus for what happened to me in the mental hospital, and my actual getting there.

I was so mad at God that he let me momentarily go crazy and allow me to go through such a scary process. I made a fool of myself running in the streets of my apartment complex, telling people to repent because Jesus was coming back soon. The night before, I stayed up all night praying because I thought the devil was out to get me, and the next day after my rampage, I was prepared to die and take a bullet for the sake of Christ. Don’t ask me how I was going to find a gun. That’s part of the crazy. But I was so mad at God after everything became clear. I was mad that I became an extremist who thought her life was going to end with a bullet to the brain at 22. I heard voices telling me to get ready to die and I was ready to give up everything for the glory of God.

It doesn’t even end there.

That same day, I fell into a psychotic rage in the middle of my bedroom. Something told me my dad was the devil and that I was the Christ. The scary thing is that I actually believed that heresy. I cried within and without saying, “I want to get out of here! I want to go to the crazy house! I can’t stand it anymore!”

So the police came and took me away. They took me to the crazy house.

But it was never God’s will for me to die for him. It was to God’s glory that he sent Jesus to die for me! The devil is such an evil liar that he makes people believe that sacrificing their life for God is what brings him glory, but it only makes the One who created human beings very sad. At the time, I didn’t realize this and later when I did I was so mad.

I was so mad at God for all that I experienced while I was in the mental hospital. I saw the devil try to come for my life one night. I saw demons during various nights gathered in groups outside the room I was staying in, waging war to kill me. Various witches manifested themselves inside of the hospital as patients and they cast their hexes on me, my family, my body, and my future because they knew I was Christian.

It was tough in there.

Oh, but I fought back. I quoted Isaiah 54:17 again and again and was amazed at how it stopped all of the curses in their tracks.

Yet, I became weak and afraid. Each and every spiritual battle drained me emotionally, and physically. It literally broke my spirit.

This made me hate myself for making Jesus look bad because as soon as I got there I told everyone “Jesus loves you!” But the enemy entinced me into thinking that I had lost the Holy Spirit and I desperately cried out to God in the middle of the night not to leave me. I’d say, “God! I want to live! Deliver me from this hell!!! I don’t want to die!!!”

The enemy didn’t stop there, he tried so hard to make me renounce my faith by making me think I was a Wiccan. And I would cry out and say, “No, I want to be a Christian!”After that, the nurses really did treat me like a nutcase “Just another religous fanatic who thinks she hears God’s voice.”

That’s what it said on the documents anyway.

So when they finally convinced me to take my meds, they put me on anti-depressants and mood stablizers. Do you know what that medication does to your body and reflexes?! It puts you to sleep and takes away your ability to move your body effectively. I was stiff and sleepy and angry that I couldn’t do normal things for myself like, walk quickly, bring food to my mouth fast enough, or wash my hair. Things I took for granted before, I longed to do for myself.

And when I got home I was a totally different person. The Lord used the meds to bring me into my right mind, but my spirit was still broken and I was struggling with suicidal thoughts. (A side effect from the medication I was taking). I couldn’t find a reason to smile and I became so mad at my dad for making me feel like a dependant child. Things I could do for myself, he did for me. This infuriated me! And furthermore I was infuriated towards God.

 

But not once did God give up on me. When I felt the most condemned, God sent men and women of God on His behalf to prophetically tell me how loved I am. That I’m His princess, and I have beautiful promises for my life. Everything that I had gone through was for good and for the consolation of other people.

One of my favorite ones is when my beloved friend told me, “you asked God to give you discernment of the spirits and what do you expect? You had to go through the trial.” Haha, I have to admit, I cringed when she told me that, and I even felt a little spite in my heart.

 

What’s more beautiful is that now, that I’m visiting in Costa Rica, I’ve been feeling some of those mad and sad feelings toward God. It’s beautiful because eventhough I may have been mad during praise and worship, the manifestation of the presence of God becomes so saturated in the air that it’s hard to hold that attitude in the company of His presence.

So when the church service ends and everyone’s gone, I remembered what that company felt like and prayed to Jesus in intimacy. I asked him for forgiveness for blaming him for everything that happened. I knew that it wasn’t God’s fault, but that more than anything, I wanted to be close to him like I was in my first love. A sincere and simple faith. No extremism, no religiousness, I wanted a relationship.

So he began answering that prayer.

I also asked him something else.

Another part of my anger towards God was because I feel like such a lonely person. In reality it’s hard for me to walk up to people and make friends. And after everything that’s happened, I don’t really feel like opening up to people right now. So I’ve become very quiet. In the longrun, this has affected me emotionally because I push eveyrone away.

So I asked the Holy Spirit one night that I felt especially sad to manifest his presence to me like he does during praise and worship when I feel most alone. And to remind me of those good things God says in the bible, and those things spoken over me prophetically by trust-worthy men and women of God. I even asked the  Holy Spirit to help me make long-lasting and trustworthy friendships in his perfect timing, and to allow me and my boyfriend to become closer as He sees is good.

And you know what? During those windows of moments when my emotions take a dive for the worst, I’ve felt an overwhelming blanket of peace that is above the circustancial and I remember scripture that says, God is with me and he will never leave me nor forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6).

I can’t explain it, but all the fear, desperation, and anxiety I felt in the past months that led up to my trip to the hospital has helped highlight the love, peace, compassion and soundness of Jesus’ presence in my life.

Today I found a verse in Psalms that is a reflection of how I literally feel when God is knocking at the doors of my heart. It doesn’t matter whether I’m mad at him, or even if I’m sad and in need of a friend, I know that he wants me to come to him:

My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.” And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.” Psalm 27:8

Then instead of being emotional because of the situation, I get all emotional because I realize how lovingly God pursues me, even when I feel like I don’t deserve it.

So you see, just because I may get mad at God, that doesn’t change the fact that he still loves me and that makes me very very happy.

Woman and The Compass

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Photo by Heidi Sandstrom. on Unsplash.

A wise woman once told me that my life is like a compass.

My view is the panorama of what I see every day, to the North, East and to the West. The North, she says, is my future and the South is the past.

She said to me that the North is where I must look ahead, keeping my eyes on Jesus, as He leads me in the way that I should go. The South is behind me and I am to never turn back, only to look to learn from my experiences.

The good experiences are meant to be memories that I collect from the places I go and the people that I meet. No one can take those good experiences and memories away from me, because they are my gift from God. They are mine.

As for those bad experiences– those that came by wrong decisions, mistakes or hurts caused by myself or others– I’m to learn from those moments, forgive and give them to God and let Him heal my heart.

She said that I can’t stay stuck in the past– whether good or bad– but that I need to keep moving forward in Jesus Christ.

That special woman gave me a gem on that day that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. Now when I reach any crossroads, I remember about the compass she told me about and call out to God as His Word says in Jeremiah 6:16:

Thus says the LORD, “Stand by the ways and see and ask for the ancient paths, Where the good way is, and walk in it; And you will find rest for your souls. But they said, ‘We will not walk in it.’

Doing this, I find comfort in the Lord, as He always gently leads me in the way I should go in Jesus Christ.

It is He who says to every wanderer:

Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30.

I’ll always remember this woman and cherish her with these special words in my heart. I know you’d love her too if you’d ever get the chance to know her. But I atleast hope you can appreciate these words of wisdom that I’ve come to cherish, and consider the compass– that when things get tough, always look ahead to Jesus who is our Compass in this hard but good life.

Come Home and Rest

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Photos by TheFreak1337 on Pixabay.

There is a physical place where we can run in to find rest and refuge. We call that place home. It shelters us from the storms and dangers of the world outside. When we come home, we lock the door and have faith that we are safe inside. We don’t worry about robbers, fires or flooding. When we lay down, we expect that our loved ones will sleep with rest and comfort without fear that any of the above would shake us out of our home. The Bible talks about a door, a home, and a kingdom. All of which is our place of rest where we run to in Jesus Christ here on earth.

Jesus is the door that lets us into our home in the Father.

John 10:7-9 says that Jesus is the door of the sheep,

“All who ever came before Me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not hear them. I am the door. If anyone enters by Me, he will be saved, and will go in and out and find pasture.”

In verse two above, Jesus says that

“But he who enters by the door is the shepherd of the sheep. To him the doorkeeper opens, and the sheep hear his voice; and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. And when he brings out his own sheep, he goes before them; and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice. “Yet they will by no means follow a stranger, but will flee from him, for they do not know the voice of strangers.”

Jesus himself is the door of the sheep, and we are his sheep. He calls us by name, but how many of us really hear his voice?

“All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned, every one, to his own way; and the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all.” (Isaiah 53:6)

We are like these sheep who quickly run away to the voice of a stranger and disregard the voice of our gentle shepherd who calls us home into safety. Then we wonder why we get hurt or things don’t go our way. Maybe it’s because we run away from the door of our safety. Maybe you say to yourself, but how do I know the voice of the Father? Well He’s here calling to you from the door of His home saying,

“Today, if you will hear His voice, do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion.” (Hebrews 3:8)

Jesus is the home we enter in to find God’s rest. The writer of Hebrews says in chapter 3:1 to consider the Apostle and the High Priest of our confession, Christ Jesus. The Apostle is the builder of our house, and the High Priest is the Head of our household. For Jesus is the one who builds our house. Our house is our very own body. For our body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, and He dwells in it (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). Jesus holds honor in our house.

For the Bible says, “But Christ as a Son over His own house, whose house we are if we hold fast the confidence and the rejoicing of the hope firm to the end.” (Hebrews 3:6)

If you have heard God’s voice and he has given you a Word, you need to come home and rest. We must honor Jesus and let him build up our life as He knows best. Many times we may get worried that the promise is taking too long to come. Or we might try to help God with the vision He said He has for us. But our job is to rest in God’s presence by being faithful to The Builder and Head of our household. How are we faithful? We are confident to the end, rejoicing in the hope that God has given us. We take it day by day trusting in God’s faithfulness (Psalm 37:3-8).

“For we have become partakers of Christ if we hold the beginning of our confidence steadfast to the end.” (Hebrews 3:14)

“Today, if you will hear His voice, do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion.” (Hebrews 3:8)

Don’t be like the disobedient sheep of Israel who tested God in the wilderness. God was angry with them for their disobedience. They chose not to believe. They saw God’s Works, His Miracles; they heard His voice, and still they went astray in their hearts. Belief in God’s word is a decision that we make daily, and this is another way we show our faithfulness to the Lord.

“They have not known His Ways, so He swore in His wrath they shall not enter His rest.” (Hebrews 3:9-11)

And to whom did He swear that they would not enter His rest… but to those who did not obey? So we see that they could not enter in because of unbelief (Hebrews 3:18-19). We can see that unbelief and disobedience run hand in hand. Therefore since a promise remains of entering his rest, let us fear lest any of you seem to have come short of it (Hebrews 4:1). This rest is spoken of in a certain place of the seventh day in this way: and God rested on the seventh day from all His works. He also designates a certain day, saying in David, “Today” after such a long time, as it has been said: “Today if you will hear His voice, do not harden your hearts.” (Hebrews 4:7)

The seventh day refers to the Sabbath. Sabbath comes from the Hebrew word Sabat which means that after God finished the creation of the world on the Seventh day, He rested. God’s energy is inexhaustible, but to say that He rested simply means He ceased working. He dropped what He was doing. (Please read Isaiah 58:13-14).

Jesus is our Sabat day, everday. We come to Jesus to rest in our souls and to drop the work that makes our minds run hundreds of miles an hour! God wants us to stop our worrying, to stop trying to make things happen, to stop trying to open our own doors, to stop trying to justify ourselves with our own works, and to stop tearing each other down, but to let His Holy Spirit build us up in the House of Christ. I repeat, we are the temple of the Holy Spirit and He dwells in us, so is Christ a Son over His own house, whose we are if we hold fast the confidence and the rejoicing of the hope firm to the end.

Therefore, we have come to the Kingdom of God, let us then seek the Kingdom of God and his righteousness first, and all these things will be added unto us (Matthew 6:33).

Hebrews 12:18-29 explains the differences between the kingdoms that the Israelites came to in the time of Moses and the Kingdom that Jesus speaks of in the gospels.  Though the Israelites came to a physical mountain, they were afraid because of God’s booming voice of judgement that made the mountain burn with fire and that darkened the sky. It filled the the air with sounds of trumpets that even made Moses tremble!

However, in verse twenty-two of chapter twelve, the Bible says we have not come to that mountain, but to Mount Zion, the City of the Living God! Mount Zion, literally translated means refuge, or fortress.

Mount Zion is not the same mountain that the Israelites came to but could not find shelter because of their disobedience and fear of God’s judgement. Rather, it is the Mountain of God’s Grace.

The Bible says that there is none righteous, not one who understands; for we all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. But we are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus (Romans 3:10, 22-24). The righteousness that God offers us through Jesus gives us the assurance to enter into His rest and to rejoice in the confidence of our hope to the end. We don’t have to work where Jesus already set us free. Instead we drop what we know God is telling us to let go, and rest.

The Lord Himself says to you, “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and My burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30). For I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me (John 14:6).

If you have heard God’s voice today, do not harden your hearts to the Lord. Don’t be like the foolish, unbelieving sheep who run in the opposite direction from the Door of Hope. Instead, come in and enter into His Home of Rest, find refuge in the Kindgom of God, through Jesus Christ.

Come Home and Rest.

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Photo by geralt on Pixabay.

 

Disclaimer: I am not a scholar or a theologian, I’m just a repentant sinner who has a personal relationship with her Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. ❤

The Imperfect Christian

 

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This is my original photo.

 

Hey guys, I’m back!

I apologize for being MIA for the past few months, but it was a time of learning, growth, deliverance, and discovery of myself in Christ.

Between October and November I went through a really dark valley that brought me into a seemingly, hopeless season of depression. During this time I didn’t understand what was happening to me and why I couldn’t recognize my own reflection in the mirror, or why my eyes were so dark. I couldn’t even bring myself to smile without bursting into tears. I was miserable. And it was because for a moment, I lost my faith. I almost lost myself.

God permitted me to hit rock bottom.

But He never left my side for a moment.

The Lord used a sister in Christ to come to my house one of those restless nights, and I poured out my heart to her. She asked me, what was wrong.. The only words that I could muster were “I just feel so lonely!..” She caught me in her arms, cradled me like a baby and I wept as she began to battle for my life in prayer. When she was done, she looked at me square in the face and said to me with authority, “you need to fast. You need to battle and fight for your life! God has a great purpose for you but the enemy will use you to destroy you if you let him. If you don’t fight, you will commit suicide in this very room. You are a warrior.”

I’m not going to lie to you, I felt the fear of the Lord as she prophesied those words over me. I knew that the devil is real, I know that demons are real and that hell is real. But I also knew Jesus is real and He came to disarm the power of Satan and his demons at the cross, and more than that, Jesus TRIUMPHED over them (Colossians 2:15). For everything that Satan came to steal, to kill, and to destroy in our lives, Jesus came to give us back in life, and life in abundance (John 10:10) and that means leading us to freedom through the valley of the shadow of death here on earth.

He promises to give us rest. Peace. Joy. (Hewbrews 4:1, John 14:27, 15:10-11)

That very night I was decided. I was not going to take the enemies attacks lying down anymore. I entered into a fast for two weeks and Jesus delivered me from the spirit of fear (1 Timothy 1:7, 1 John 4:18) . The spirit didn’t leave on happy terms, but unfortunately, upon eviction, it left me with a staph infection on my tailbone. I couldn’t sit or lie down for a week, and had to go through surgery to get the infection drained out. The timing was no coincidence either. I already had a trip planned for months to go out to Costa Rica, and left about a week after the surgery.

By the grace of God I was healed in time to be able to sit comfortably for the six hour journey. I was still on medication and still a little sore from the operation but that didn’t stop me from participating in the Christmas activities that I so longed to be apart of since last June! I danced and sang in the Christmas musical without any pain or discomfort and by that time I  was completely healed!

I had a lot of fun celebrating Christmas and New Years with my Costa Rican family. But I also received necessary correction from the Lord while I was there. From the very first sermon since arriving, He confronted my disobedient and unbelieving heart (Hebrews 3:7-11). He helped me understand that He will never leave me nor forsake me, and that His promises are as secure as any written contract, but His are so much more valid than any human contract because it is impossible for Him to lie and because He always has the final say (Hebrews 6:15-18; 13:5-6). By the the end of the trip, the Lord ministered to my heart and promised to fulfill the desires of my heart in short time.

With that being, I returned to the States in time for classes to start in January. I didn’t come back the same, but with a fire that burned deep down in my belly. I returned with a joy that lit up my face, and with confidence that what the Lord said will happen, will happen in due time.

As I came back, The Holy Spirit continued to show me in God’s Word how to be faithful (Hebrews 3:14-15), how to rest in Jesus (Matthew 11:28-30; Hebrews 4: 6-10), how to be generous (Isaiah 58: 6-14, 2 Corinthians 9:6-15), how to love others and how to love myself (Romans 13:8-14); not care what other people think about me (Isaiah 2:22; Psalm 146: 3-5; Galatians 1:9-10) and how to be content (1 Corinthians 7: 22-23; Philippians 4:12-13). These are just a few of the many things the Holy Spirit has cooking in my heart…

Then today after prayer, after a moment of crying at Jesus’ feet over some silly anxiety in my heart. I sat down on my bed and began to say to my friend the Holy Spirit, “I really don’t remember in detail where I was exactly this time last year. I mean, I know that I was sad, but I don’t know what was troubling my heart. But I do remember that I spent Valentine’s day with you at Holy Land. It was the day that I saw Jesus and almost ran out into the scene of the garden of Gethsemane to hug him! That was a beautiful memory we shared together…”

Then this thought hit me like an oncoming truck:

“If I don’t remember all of the details of everything that happened precisely one year ago, except that I was sad. Then whatever was troubling me a year ago doesn’t matter today. Neither will whatever troubles me now, matter in a year from now…

And what if tomorrow never comes? What if Jesus returns for me before then in the rapture. Then none of it matters!”

The apostle Paul must have had the same revelation when he wrote this letter to the Philippians:

But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith; 10 that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death,

Philippians 3:7-10

I even agree with what the Holy Spirit inspired Paul to write in verses 11 through 14:

I don’t expect myself to have been perfected in the knowledge of what I’ve learned in the span of these past months, but I do know that I’m still Christ’s work in progress– as we all are until we come to stand before the throne of God, face-to-face before the Master and give an account to Him of all the things we’ve done in this life (2 Corinthians 5:10; Philippians 3:13-14). Only then will we completely understand the grand scheme of His plan (Isaiah 55:6-12). All that will be left for us to do is just love Him, and remain in awe of Him for all of eternity (Revelation 22:13, 17).

I’m not a scholar or a theologian. I’m just a repentant sinner who has a personal relationship with her Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

I love you all, but Jesus loves you more!

 

Walking to the Beat of God’s Heart

 

It’s 2 AM and I’m laying up in bed.

 

it’s dark and all I hear is the ceiling fan whirring up above me,

along with the thoughts in my head, narrating my heart b-b-b-b-beat.

My hands crossed upon my breast,

I feel my heart b-b-b-beating against the walls of my chest

and do you know what that means?

It means that I’m still living.

It means that I’m still breathing,

and that I have a purpose.

It means that my life has meaning.

Have you ever thought about what self-esteem and dignity mean?

It means that you respect yourself, value your self.

It means that you admire who you are

as a human being.

In the past few weeks I realized that I don’t have to do

anything that I don’t want to. I’m not tied to anyone’s

opinion of who I ought to be.

Because my identity is in the cross. In whom Jesus says I am.

I ought to be loving and kind, yes.

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Photo by Gaelle Marcel on Unsplash.

 

Considerate and loving my neighbor,

but not at the expense of my self-worth.

Who likes feeling rejected or ignored?

We all want to be accepted

but

the truth is,

that the truth is a hard pill for many to swallow.

I ought to be like Jesus, who spoke the truth

in the face of his opponents who breathed out murder against him.

Jesus esteemed the opinion of his Father in heaven

and God was pleased with him,

even if

Jesus had to stand alone.

As long as I’m speaking and living the truth for the glory of His Son,

My Father in heaven looks down on me and says,

“that’s my girl!”

One thing to remember is, is that the world didn’t die for me.

My dignity and self-worth is found at the cross.

Not in any other thing or human being.

I am a fighter,

a warrior,

a survivor

a soldier

a victor.

I’ve made it through lonely days, and lonely nights. I’ve survived moments without “friends”, because we’ve all parted our separate ways. I’ve pushed past suicidal thoughts, and won the victory over depression. But every time I feel myself slipping back, God works me like a muscle:

He brings me to my limits

and breaks me down again

so that I can recover

and be made stronger.

I have to keep moving, keep walking past

the circumstances that tell me God has forgotten.

I have to keep trusting, praying and surrendering to God

because He will prove that what He said will come to pass.

As long as my heart is b-beating, and I have breath in my lungs

God has a plan for my living, something that I could never plan on my own.

I’m a warrior in Christ and I’m never going to give up.

My Wings

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Photo by Alex Wigan on Unsplash.

9:30 PM – October 8, 2015

Too old to be a child, too young to be an adult.

I sat in the middle of the bathtub, letting the water from above shower my head and my back.

I just sat there thinking… I remembered Isaiah 40:31

 

But those who wait on the Lord

Shall renew their strength;

They shall mount up with wings like

eagles.

They shall run and not be weary,

They shall walk and not be faint.

Then I began to pray, I said, “God, I feel like a bird locked in a cage. Like my wings are bound and clipped. God, give me wings! I want to fly, I want to see the expanse of the earth below me. Take me to new heights. Sustain my wings with your hand. I want to fly with wings like eagles!”

Then I remembered the cave window, and the tight space I had to go through just before I was welcomed by the great expanse of the cave’s mouth.The beauty of the nature below looked like a painting as I remembered it in my mind’s eye, and I said to God, “If I had wings I would have flown out.”

Then something in my thoughts said, “no you wouldn’t. You’d be too afraid.”

And I said, “Lord, give me wings to fly because you have not given me the spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind.”

Then I said, “But God, I don’t want to fly alone. If you must, teach me how to fly first, but allow me to fly with my husband, with my lovebird.

My eyes were closed, and I wept as the water from above showered my bare back. I felt as if the room was spinning, but when I opened my eyes, I felt a surreal kind of peace.

I knew God heard my prayer and that he would give me wings.

Quiet Observer

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Photo by Siddharth Bhogra on Unsplash.

So I’m at the library doing homework because there’s no Wi-Fi at home. I already finished what I needed to do, but I’m more intrigued by whats happening in front of me. There’s is a young Asian girl of about fifteen or sixteen years old sitting in the table across from me. She seems to be doing homework but from what I can observe she’s learning arithmetic. However, she’s not alone. She’s dependent on an elderly man who tutors her. She’s like a small child in her comprehension, and the old man sighs with exasperation at her childlike understanding, but I like to imagine that he feels useful to her.

 

There’s a complex story in front of me that I will probably never know about. Maybe an immigrant girl’s future, and a native old man of these Great States, who’s lived so much and willing to give to her that gift. The gift of inspiration and education. The gift of encouragement to take advantage of life and to make something of herself! A gift that many young people with the privilege take for granted today.

Who knows what will become of them both. Sometimes I feel like a quiet spectator given the opportunity to take a glimpse into the lives of strangers, or even of friends and family. I love to live, but I also take pleasure in observing– even if at times what I see is painful because I suffer in silence with them. But these small glimpses are the little golden nuggets of life that I treasure forever. Even if they don’t happen to me and I’m just sitting on the outside looking in…..

Dancing with Jesus

The growing pains of a transitioning season is never easy. Especially when you have a tendency to be so hard on yourself. I constantly tell myself I need to be better, I need to try harder, I need to– let go. It’s so frustrating to think that you’re making progress but you only feel like you’re taking two steps back, a step to the side, and another one forward– and then it becomes a dance.

“What am I doing?”

Here I am dancing with the Lord.

I don’t know how to dance at all really. Rhythm is not something I inherited. I’m awkward and clumsy. You’d think that being Puerto Rican, I should know how to just feel the music.

“How do you keep time? This is so unnatural to me. I feel incompetent.

What? What am I doing?”

As the music begins to play, I freeze— I try to analyze the components of the song– but Jesus takes me in his arms and wraps one arm around my waist, taking my other hand in his and says, “Follow me.”

“Jesus I don’t know the steps! I’m so lost! Slow down! What are you doing? Help me!”

“Relax.” He says, “Trust me and follow my lead.”

I’m in tears as I feel so embarrassed for every step that crushes His toes, for messing up, not keeping the beat. I’m a clutz. I begin to whine, “Jesus, I can’t do this. I’m a failure.”

“Child, My grace is sufficient for you. Let’s keep going.”

The song continues, the most beautiful song I’ve ever heard. Accompanied by an orchestra of love that harmonizes with compassion, gentleness, understanding and grace. I look up at my Savior with eyes full of awe and wonder as He sweeps me off my feet. Satisfied with myself I begin to think, “hey, I’m beginning to get the hang of this!” Aware of my progress, He adds in a new move, but I’m completely thrown off again! “Whoa, God, slow down! I can’t keep up!”

“I’ve got you”, He says.

The tears start rolling as I weep into His shoulders. The sweet scent of His aroma fills my nostrils and pours into my heart as He holds me close to His. He comforts me in His embrace with every step we take. Not once does He rebuke me, but He takes the time to teach me gently. Letting me know that it’s okay. It’s okay not to know how to dance.

It’s okay to not be the best, it’s okay to be myself. It’s okay to be clumsy and make mistakes. Just as long as I keep on dancing with Him. As long as I stop trying so hard to do things by my own strength, as long as I just trust Him.

“Relax.” He says, “And let My Spirit flow through you. Confide in me and I will teach you. What you don’t know is that I’m preparing you to teach others how to dance too.”

 This is what the Lord says:

“Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
    who draws strength from mere flesh
    and whose heart turns away from the Lord.
That person will be like a bush in the wastelands;
    they will not see prosperity when it comes.
They will dwell in the parched places of the desert,
    in a salt land where no one lives.

 “But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,
    whose confidence is in him.
They will be like a tree planted by the water
    that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
    its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
    and never fails to bear fruit.”

Jeremiah 17:5-8

Your Word is a Lamp Unto My Feet

 

I remember the time I went to the Cave Window back in April for spring break. I remember what it felt like to enter in that damp, dark cavern with only a small light to illuminate my feet. I could literally only see the steps in front of me. Then I had to pass through a tight, uncomfortable space before the light at the end of the tunnel flooded my eyes, and welcomed me with a warmth of wonder and surprise. I didn’t understand or know where I was going but the guide led me along the unfamiliar path. Then all of a sudden, I was there. I was staring in the face of God’s promises for my life.

 

Looking back from that experience to where I am now in life helps to give me perspective. I really don’t understand what’s going on right now in the midst of this uncertainty accompanied with the desires of my heart, and the promises of God’s breakthrough for my family. To tell you the truth, I don’t know how we’re going to get there, but I’m just trusting God.

Allow me to rewind a little bit to about a year ago.

Two days after we returned from our trip to Costa Rica, we were run out of our apartment due to an arson that set the building up in flames. We were homeless for about a month, but God faithfully provided us with this apartment. We received orders from the Lord not to furnish our home, but only to keep the essentials that we needed. We knew that we wouldn’t be here for much longer.

When we got back from Costa Rica this year, God said that it’s time for us to move. Again.

But the thing is, we’ll be moving to another apartment for a month while the new company that bought this complex is completely renovating each building. Hallelujah, because God has answered the prayers of those who desired to see this ghetto cleaned up and restored! I am really thankful to the Lord for this because it’s time this place got a new start! Our hearts however, are set on packing up to go elsewhere. I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you, hehe.

My daddy calls this particular move, Abraham day. He shared with me that when he was in the drug rehabilitation ministry, that his spiritual father set days to shake out all of the brothers in the program from their comfort zones by relocating each of them to a new bed and to another room. My dad used this example to help me understand that God also sets seasons in our lives to shake us out of our comfort zones so that we don’t get too settled in one place.

But I’m here like, “God, did you really have to do it the day after we go back to school?!”

I’m not complaining though! I’m taking this part of the season in strides. I know that there is blessing in this. The benefit of it is that we will at least come back to enjoy the new apartment’s complete renovation! — Until God moves us again.

There is another reason as to why I feel the need to share with you the uncertainty of this particular season that is laying heavy on my heart, and it doesn’t have anything to do with the move, or it’s inconvenience for that matter. It actually has to do with the mystery of what’s become of my mother.

About a few months ago I wrote a Letter to Mom and I got a Reply From Mom in return.

Basically what happened to my mom is this: My mom divorced my dad when I was nine, and completely left my life when I was sixteen. She was diagnosed with a severe case of bipolarism, schizophrenia and paranoia after she had a miscarriage of twins. What I can remember from my mom before then was that she was a strong godly woman but that she later turned her back on the Lord. God used her powerfully as a prophetess. When the Lord spoke to her and revealed things to her about the hidden sins of others, she spoke with words of authority and judgment to the unrepentant sinners, and what the Holy Spirit predicted through her always came to pass. She was a prayer warrior, and an avid faster. She was also a good mother, like a lioness, always ready to protect her babies. She was strong, and fierce but she had one weakness: She had a track record of unfaithfulness to the Lord. She would get right with God and then backslide to the ways of the world on a pursuit of her own will, not God’s. Each and every time she left God’s side, she dug her own holes deeper into sins unimaginable for a child of God, and they swallowed her like quicksand.

It’s not to say that God can’t heal her, because He most certainly can. There is undeniable power in the name of Jesus. But He gives everyone free will and she chose to harden her heart to the One who paid the price of her sins at the cross. That’s why it saddened me to find out a few days after returning from Costa Rica this year that my mom disappeared. According to her living-mate, she came home one night completely belligerent and indecently dressed. She was saying that “God told her” to get off of her meds and find her kids with a man that she was having an affair with, a so called, Vincent Gambini (a dead mafioso). She quit her job, bought a random car and went on a lone road trip. Last we heard, the high way patrol found her broken down car abandoned on the side of the highway. Where is she? Only God knows…. We’ve been waiting for information as we’ve also contacted the police; but here we are with our hands tied. Waiting. What could have become of my mom?

I had a dream about her three nights ago. In the dream she called me, and I asked her where she was and if she was okay? But she hung up. I shared this dream with my dad, and by no coincidence he had the same dream that same night too. What could that mean? Could God be preparing our hearts for something?…

I told God and frequently tell him again and again, “Lord, I know you promised me lots of things concerning my mom. You promised me her restoration, and that you would heal her and use her again to testify about the dangers of walking away from you. But you know what’s best, God. I won’t be mad at you if what you promised doesn’t come to pass because I know that it is impossible for you to lie (Hebrews 6:18). Just give my mom peace from this torment that she’s living. Only you know if she will ever live with a repentant heart. If not, give her the opportunity to repent in the face of death, and take her home with you. My only request to you Lord is that my mom not die in her sins. Jesus, have mercy on her soul…”

These words are on my heart everyday that the mystery of my mom is kept sealed. I just pray for the light of knowing what’s happened to her. To accept something. To know that she’s ok. To move on. This is really hard for me to process, because I was always holding on to the hope of being reunited to the woman of God I remember her to be. I pray for her well being though. Whether here on earth, but more so for her eternity. If I can’t have her back now, then I hope to see her again in heaven.

So here I am walking through the temporary season of this dark cave. With boxes cluttering my room, filled with the reminder of Abraham day. But more so with the hopes of God’s promises for my family and my life. I hold fast to what the Word of God promises me in places like Jeremiah 29:11 and Isaiah 55:8-9. I’ve decided not to let my heart be troubled and not to be afraid because Jesus is here to take me by the hand and lead me to the flood of light that I once saw at the end of the way– that day I went into the cave.

One Day At A Time

 

I’m back in the comfort of my own bed under the roof of my father’s house in the United States. I think back to just how last week I woke up to the fresh mountain air where the loud voices of chatter and laughter meant a warm welcome to a new day; and here I am in the solitary coolness of my room thinking about the memories that will never fade. I still remember the last two sermons my daddy gave before we returned back to the states from the home where our hearts dwell. Last year daddy preached, “right now you don’t understand what I’m doing, but later on you will.” and this last time around God spoke through his sermon saying, “you will see greater things than these to come.”

 

My heart is at peace knowing that God is in full control. I feel safe in the knowledge of His wisdom as He fits all the pieces of my family’s life and my own together. My understanding is limited but He sees farther than I could ever know. As I lay in bed thinking about the past few months of my life, my gratitude to the Lord overflows with joy for the life that’s given to me. I’m thankful for my victory in Jesus Christ over depression, and for strengthening my heart as I waited on Him.  I’m so thankful for the love He gives me in his Son everyday as He consistently proves His faithfulness to me day by day by, in the smallest ways. He stills my soul by even quieting the smallest worries of my heart. No detail is too great or too small for Him to overcome by riding in on His mighty cloud of Glory and shedding light to the darkness of my uncertainties. He gives me peace when I turn to Him with all of the concerns of my heart. He romances me, He woes me. I’m pacified.

I lay here meditating about the miracles I’ve witnessed and the power of the Holy Spirit that overtakes a room full of people in the middle of worship and praise. I think about how biblically, everything that my family and I participate in aligns to the truth and the life of Jesus Christ. The commission that He gave to His disciples before He disappeared into the clouds to sit at the right hand side of the Father is what He commanded all Christians to do. To go into all the nations and to preach the good news of His life for ours, to go out and heal the sick, cast out demons and prepare the church, His bride for His return; all done in His Holy name! Then this makes me think about the events around the world, and how unrealistically fast the time is flying by. It’s like a frantic race for time as evil continues to rise. The earth is covered in blood, violence and hate, but God is also at work revealing many wonders and signs in heaven and among His people. Calling us to repentance and telling us to get ready, telling us to prepare for the trumpet’s call to go home! Oh how I desire to be caught up in the rapture and sing in my soul, “death where is your sting!? My body is finally glorified with my King of kings!”….

And so, I lay here thinking about all the work that needs to be done and how deeply our hearts desire to be freed from the borders of these corrupted states. We’re ready to go back and answer the calling over our lives in Central and South America and to share our lives with the family we’ve grown so close to in love every time we meet in Costa Rica. But peace is mine and thankfulness fills me as I think about all the love and care that God has poured into me and my family of two. I know deep in my spirit that we won’t be here for much longer. Something is stirring in our lives and I perceive the hand of God in our midst. Our time is coming and I’m expectantly waiting, walking out this journey day by day, to see greater things than what I’ve already seen.