When Heaven Fights Back

In my last post, I wrote about being mad at God. When I wrote it I still didn’t understand why I went through what I did, but I accepted God’s forgiveness knowing that none of that is his fault.

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Photo by Andrew Yardley on Unsplash.

 

God is so good though because now I understand what God delivered me from.

Where do I even begin? Let’s see… I guess I could say the first clue came last Sunday after church service when The Holy Spirit was ministering to the congregation. My dad was the vessel used at the time, praying for the people, and it was nearing the end of the service. My eyes were closed, and I was standing in the back of the church praying. I felt a hand on my forehead and it was my dad. He prayed for me saying that all Satanic pacts that were dedicated for my life from my maternal grandmother are broken. I didn’t know where that came from, but I just received it in the moment and didn’t think about it again.

Fast forwarding to yesterday, my dad took my brother and me to a church ministry here called Combate (Combat) because a woman there wanted to pray for me and my little brother. I understood that we would talk individually and then she would pray for us.

When we spoke, she probed my past. She asked questions about my mom, my childhood, and my grandmother. It turns out that I still had hurt in my heart about my mom, her erratic behavior when I was a kid, and the experience of my parents’ divorce. Furthermore, it’s been a year since her disappearance and it’s still a mystery. Police reports came up leading to clues about her passing, but other than that we don’t know anything. That had really affected me, –obviously and I didn’t know how to cope with the news.

But what’s enlightening about the matter is who my grandmother was. The bible talks about generational curses to the 3rd and 4th generations (Exodus 20:5). Sometimes we don’t know about our ancestors: who they were, or what kind of things they did in their lifetimes. The woman explained to me that my grandmother was a witch (I already knew that my grandmother practiced witchcraft). What I didn’t know was that witches dedicate their generations to serve Satan and that after one of them dies, those spirits in the person’s life go to the next generation as a line of inheritance. When my grandmother died, she gave my mom a necklace heirloom and that was when I remember that my mom went especially nuts. I realized that it could be possible that my mother passed away and that those spirits that she inherited came to torment me and that they drove me to the mental hospital to recruit me as a witch.

I know this sounds crazy, but now it all makes so much sense. While I was in the hospital I fought for my Salvation. I cried out to God and said I didn’t want to be a witch. And if it weren’t for Jesus and my soul’s deep cry to serve God as His Child… well I guess you can imagine the outcome…

But God’s plans for my life were another!

Let’s get back to yesterday. The woman lead me through a prayer to break those generational curses and to renounce the legal rights the Devil had in my life because of my grandmother (all in Jesus’ name). Now the pact is broken and I’m free to serve Jesus as how he meant for me to do all along. The only inheritance for me and my ancestors is the inheritance of the Kingdom of God! ❤

But now, now, I understand why I went to the hospital and experienced such a horrible, tormenting experience.

Now I realize God’s mercy in my life and his love for me. That even though I was out of it, He never left me for a single moment. Now I understand that God’s plans for my life are for peace and that not even the powers of hell can take that away from me.

Thank you, Jesus.

 

Mad at God

 

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Photo by Ben White on Unsplash.

 

I find that in the past few months I was pointing my fingers at everyone and everything else as a way to hide the anguish of what I was really feeling. Consciously, as I came to, I knew that it was absurd for me to be mad at God because I mean, He-is-Who-He-is, and I’m just a mortal human made of dust. That, however, didn’t change the fact how I felt. I blamed Jesus for what happened to me in the mental hospital, and my actual getting there.

I was so mad at God that he let me momentarily go crazy and allow me to go through such a scary process. I made a fool of myself running in the streets of my apartment complex, telling people to repent because Jesus was coming back soon. The night before, I stayed up all night praying because I thought the devil was out to get me, and the next day after my rampage, I was prepared to die and take a bullet for the sake of Christ. Don’t ask me how I was going to find a gun. That’s part of the crazy. But I was so mad at God after everything became clear. I was mad that I became an extremist who thought her life was going to end with a bullet to the brain at 22. I heard voices telling me to get ready to die and I was ready to give up everything for the glory of God.

It doesn’t even end there.

That same day, I fell into a psychotic rage in the middle of my bedroom. Something told me my dad was the devil and that I was the Christ. The scary thing is that I actually believed that heresy. I cried within and without saying, “I want to get out of here! I want to go to the crazy house! I can’t stand it anymore!”

So the police came and took me away. They took me to the crazy house.

But it was never God’s will for me to die for him. It was to God’s glory that he sent Jesus to die for me! The devil is such an evil liar that he makes people believe that sacrificing their life for God is what brings him glory, but it only makes the One who created human beings very sad. At the time, I didn’t realize this and later when I did I was so mad.

I was so mad at God for all that I experienced while I was in the mental hospital. I saw the devil try to come for my life one night. I saw demons during various nights gathered in groups outside the room I was staying in, waging war to kill me. Various witches manifested themselves inside of the hospital as patients and they cast their hexes on me, my family, my body, and my future because they knew I was Christian.

It was tough in there.

Oh, but I fought back. I quoted Isaiah 54:17 again and again and was amazed at how it stopped all of the curses in their tracks.

Yet, I became weak and afraid. Each and every spiritual battle drained me emotionally, and physically. It literally broke my spirit.

This made me hate myself for making Jesus look bad because as soon as I got there I told everyone “Jesus loves you!” But the enemy entinced me into thinking that I had lost the Holy Spirit and I desperately cried out to God in the middle of the night not to leave me. I’d say, “God! I want to live! Deliver me from this hell!!! I don’t want to die!!!”

The enemy didn’t stop there, he tried so hard to make me renounce my faith by making me think I was a Wiccan. And I would cry out and say, “No, I want to be a Christian!”After that, the nurses really did treat me like a nutcase “Just another religous fanatic who thinks she hears God’s voice.”

That’s what it said on the documents anyway.

So when they finally convinced me to take my meds, they put me on anti-depressants and mood stablizers. Do you know what that medication does to your body and reflexes?! It puts you to sleep and takes away your ability to move your body effectively. I was stiff and sleepy and angry that I couldn’t do normal things for myself like, walk quickly, bring food to my mouth fast enough, or wash my hair. Things I took for granted before, I longed to do for myself.

And when I got home I was a totally different person. The Lord used the meds to bring me into my right mind, but my spirit was still broken and I was struggling with suicidal thoughts. (A side effect from the medication I was taking). I couldn’t find a reason to smile and I became so mad at my dad for making me feel like a dependant child. Things I could do for myself, he did for me. This infuriated me! And furthermore I was infuriated towards God.

 

But not once did God give up on me. When I felt the most condemned, God sent men and women of God on His behalf to prophetically tell me how loved I am. That I’m His princess, and I have beautiful promises for my life. Everything that I had gone through was for good and for the consolation of other people.

One of my favorite ones is when my beloved friend told me, “you asked God to give you discernment of the spirits and what do you expect? You had to go through the trial.” Haha, I have to admit, I cringed when she told me that, and I even felt a little spite in my heart.

 

What’s more beautiful is that now, that I’m visiting in Costa Rica, I’ve been feeling some of those mad and sad feelings toward God. It’s beautiful because eventhough I may have been mad during praise and worship, the manifestation of the presence of God becomes so saturated in the air that it’s hard to hold that attitude in the company of His presence.

So when the church service ends and everyone’s gone, I remembered what that company felt like and prayed to Jesus in intimacy. I asked him for forgiveness for blaming him for everything that happened. I knew that it wasn’t God’s fault, but that more than anything, I wanted to be close to him like I was in my first love. A sincere and simple faith. No extremism, no religiousness, I wanted a relationship.

So he began answering that prayer.

I also asked him something else.

Another part of my anger towards God was because I feel like such a lonely person. In reality it’s hard for me to walk up to people and make friends. And after everything that’s happened, I don’t really feel like opening up to people right now. So I’ve become very quiet. In the longrun, this has affected me emotionally because I push eveyrone away.

So I asked the Holy Spirit one night that I felt especially sad to manifest his presence to me like he does during praise and worship when I feel most alone. And to remind me of those good things God says in the bible, and those things spoken over me prophetically by trust-worthy men and women of God. I even asked the  Holy Spirit to help me make long-lasting and trustworthy friendships in his perfect timing, and to allow me and my boyfriend to become closer as He sees is good.

And you know what? During those windows of moments when my emotions take a dive for the worst, I’ve felt an overwhelming blanket of peace that is above the circustancial and I remember scripture that says, God is with me and he will never leave me nor forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6).

I can’t explain it, but all the fear, desperation, and anxiety I felt in the past months that led up to my trip to the hospital has helped highlight the love, peace, compassion and soundness of Jesus’ presence in my life.

Today I found a verse in Psalms that is a reflection of how I literally feel when God is knocking at the doors of my heart. It doesn’t matter whether I’m mad at him, or even if I’m sad and in need of a friend, I know that he wants me to come to him:

My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.” And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.” Psalm 27:8

Then instead of being emotional because of the situation, I get all emotional because I realize how lovingly God pursues me, even when I feel like I don’t deserve it.

So you see, just because I may get mad at God, that doesn’t change the fact that he still loves me and that makes me very very happy.

Woman and The Compass

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Photo by Heidi Sandstrom. on Unsplash.

A wise woman once told me that my life is like a compass.

My view is the panorama of what I see every day, to the North, East and to the West. The North, she says, is my future and the South is the past.

She said to me that the North is where I must look ahead, keeping my eyes on Jesus, as He leads me in the way that I should go. The South is behind me and I am to never turn back, only to look to learn from my experiences.

The good experiences are meant to be memories that I collect from the places I go and the people that I meet. No one can take those good experiences and memories away from me, because they are my gift from God. They are mine.

As for those bad experiences– those that came by wrong decisions, mistakes or hurts caused by myself or others– I’m to learn from those moments, forgive and give them to God and let Him heal my heart.

She said that I can’t stay stuck in the past– whether good or bad– but that I need to keep moving forward in Jesus Christ.

That special woman gave me a gem on that day that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. Now when I reach any crossroads, I remember about the compass she told me about and call out to God as His Word says in Jeremiah 6:16:

Thus says the LORD, “Stand by the ways and see and ask for the ancient paths, Where the good way is, and walk in it; And you will find rest for your souls. But they said, ‘We will not walk in it.’

Doing this, I find comfort in the Lord, as He always gently leads me in the way I should go in Jesus Christ.

It is He who says to every wanderer:

Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30.

I’ll always remember this woman and cherish her with these special words in my heart. I know you’d love her too if you’d ever get the chance to know her. But I atleast hope you can appreciate these words of wisdom that I’ve come to cherish, and consider the compass– that when things get tough, always look ahead to Jesus who is our Compass in this hard but good life.

Come Home and Rest

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Photos by TheFreak1337 on Pixabay.

There is a physical place where we can run in to find rest and refuge. We call that place home. It shelters us from the storms and dangers of the world outside. When we come home, we lock the door and have faith that we are safe inside. We don’t worry about robbers, fires or flooding. When we lay down, we expect that our loved ones will sleep with rest and comfort without fear that any of the above would shake us out of our home. The Bible talks about a door, a home, and a kingdom. All of which is our place of rest where we run to in Jesus Christ here on earth.

Jesus is the door that lets us into our home in the Father.

John 10:7-9 says that Jesus is the door of the sheep,

“All who ever came before Me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not hear them. I am the door. If anyone enters by Me, he will be saved, and will go in and out and find pasture.”

In verse two above, Jesus says that

“But he who enters by the door is the shepherd of the sheep. To him the doorkeeper opens, and the sheep hear his voice; and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. And when he brings out his own sheep, he goes before them; and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice. “Yet they will by no means follow a stranger, but will flee from him, for they do not know the voice of strangers.”

Jesus himself is the door of the sheep, and we are his sheep. He calls us by name, but how many of us really hear his voice?

“All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned, every one, to his own way; and the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all.” (Isaiah 53:6)

We are like these sheep who quickly run away to the voice of a stranger and disregard the voice of our gentle shepherd who calls us home into safety. Then we wonder why we get hurt or things don’t go our way. Maybe it’s because we run away from the door of our safety. Maybe you say to yourself, but how do I know the voice of the Father? Well He’s here calling to you from the door of His home saying,

“Today, if you will hear His voice, do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion.” (Hebrews 3:8)

Jesus is the home we enter in to find God’s rest. The writer of Hebrews says in chapter 3:1 to consider the Apostle and the High Priest of our confession, Christ Jesus. The Apostle is the builder of our house, and the High Priest is the Head of our household. For Jesus is the one who builds our house. Our house is our very own body. For our body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, and He dwells in it (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). Jesus holds honor in our house.

For the Bible says, “But Christ as a Son over His own house, whose house we are if we hold fast the confidence and the rejoicing of the hope firm to the end.” (Hebrews 3:6)

If you have heard God’s voice and he has given you a Word, you need to come home and rest. We must honor Jesus and let him build up our life as He knows best. Many times we may get worried that the promise is taking too long to come. Or we might try to help God with the vision He said He has for us. But our job is to rest in God’s presence by being faithful to The Builder and Head of our household. How are we faithful? We are confident to the end, rejoicing in the hope that God has given us. We take it day by day trusting in God’s faithfulness (Psalm 37:3-8).

“For we have become partakers of Christ if we hold the beginning of our confidence steadfast to the end.” (Hebrews 3:14)

“Today, if you will hear His voice, do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion.” (Hebrews 3:8)

Don’t be like the disobedient sheep of Israel who tested God in the wilderness. God was angry with them for their disobedience. They chose not to believe. They saw God’s Works, His Miracles; they heard His voice, and still they went astray in their hearts. Belief in God’s word is a decision that we make daily, and this is another way we show our faithfulness to the Lord.

“They have not known His Ways, so He swore in His wrath they shall not enter His rest.” (Hebrews 3:9-11)

And to whom did He swear that they would not enter His rest… but to those who did not obey? So we see that they could not enter in because of unbelief (Hebrews 3:18-19). We can see that unbelief and disobedience run hand in hand. Therefore since a promise remains of entering his rest, let us fear lest any of you seem to have come short of it (Hebrews 4:1). This rest is spoken of in a certain place of the seventh day in this way: and God rested on the seventh day from all His works. He also designates a certain day, saying in David, “Today” after such a long time, as it has been said: “Today if you will hear His voice, do not harden your hearts.” (Hebrews 4:7)

The seventh day refers to the Sabbath. Sabbath comes from the Hebrew word Sabat which means that after God finished the creation of the world on the Seventh day, He rested. God’s energy is inexhaustible, but to say that He rested simply means He ceased working. He dropped what He was doing. (Please read Isaiah 58:13-14).

Jesus is our Sabat day, everday. We come to Jesus to rest in our souls and to drop the work that makes our minds run hundreds of miles an hour! God wants us to stop our worrying, to stop trying to make things happen, to stop trying to open our own doors, to stop trying to justify ourselves with our own works, and to stop tearing each other down, but to let His Holy Spirit build us up in the House of Christ. I repeat, we are the temple of the Holy Spirit and He dwells in us, so is Christ a Son over His own house, whose we are if we hold fast the confidence and the rejoicing of the hope firm to the end.

Therefore, we have come to the Kingdom of God, let us then seek the Kingdom of God and his righteousness first, and all these things will be added unto us (Matthew 6:33).

Hebrews 12:18-29 explains the differences between the kingdoms that the Israelites came to in the time of Moses and the Kingdom that Jesus speaks of in the gospels.  Though the Israelites came to a physical mountain, they were afraid because of God’s booming voice of judgement that made the mountain burn with fire and that darkened the sky. It filled the the air with sounds of trumpets that even made Moses tremble!

However, in verse twenty-two of chapter twelve, the Bible says we have not come to that mountain, but to Mount Zion, the City of the Living God! Mount Zion, literally translated means refuge, or fortress.

Mount Zion is not the same mountain that the Israelites came to but could not find shelter because of their disobedience and fear of God’s judgement. Rather, it is the Mountain of God’s Grace.

The Bible says that there is none righteous, not one who understands; for we all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. But we are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus (Romans 3:10, 22-24). The righteousness that God offers us through Jesus gives us the assurance to enter into His rest and to rejoice in the confidence of our hope to the end. We don’t have to work where Jesus already set us free. Instead we drop what we know God is telling us to let go, and rest.

The Lord Himself says to you, “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and My burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30). For I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me (John 14:6).

If you have heard God’s voice today, do not harden your hearts to the Lord. Don’t be like the foolish, unbelieving sheep who run in the opposite direction from the Door of Hope. Instead, come in and enter into His Home of Rest, find refuge in the Kindgom of God, through Jesus Christ.

Come Home and Rest.

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Photo by geralt on Pixabay.

 

Disclaimer: I am not a scholar or a theologian, I’m just a repentant sinner who has a personal relationship with her Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. ❤

The Imperfect Christian

 

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This is my original photo.

 

Hey guys, I’m back!

I apologize for being MIA for the past few months, but it was a time of learning, growth, deliverance, and discovery of myself in Christ.

Between October and November I went through a really dark valley that brought me into a seemingly, hopeless season of depression. During this time I didn’t understand what was happening to me and why I couldn’t recognize my own reflection in the mirror, or why my eyes were so dark. I couldn’t even bring myself to smile without bursting into tears. I was miserable. And it was because for a moment, I lost my faith. I almost lost myself.

God permitted me to hit rock bottom.

But He never left my side for a moment.

The Lord used a sister in Christ to come to my house one of those restless nights, and I poured out my heart to her. She asked me, what was wrong.. The only words that I could muster were “I just feel so lonely!..” She caught me in her arms, cradled me like a baby and I wept as she began to battle for my life in prayer. When she was done, she looked at me square in the face and said to me with authority, “you need to fast. You need to battle and fight for your life! God has a great purpose for you but the enemy will use you to destroy you if you let him. If you don’t fight, you will commit suicide in this very room. You are a warrior.”

I’m not going to lie to you, I felt the fear of the Lord as she prophesied those words over me. I knew that the devil is real, I know that demons are real and that hell is real. But I also knew Jesus is real and He came to disarm the power of Satan and his demons at the cross, and more than that, Jesus TRIUMPHED over them (Colossians 2:15). For everything that Satan came to steal, to kill, and to destroy in our lives, Jesus came to give us back in life, and life in abundance (John 10:10) and that means leading us to freedom through the valley of the shadow of death here on earth.

He promises to give us rest. Peace. Joy. (Hewbrews 4:1, John 14:27, 15:10-11)

That very night I was decided. I was not going to take the enemies attacks lying down anymore. I entered into a fast for two weeks and Jesus delivered me from the spirit of fear (1 Timothy 1:7, 1 John 4:18) . The spirit didn’t leave on happy terms, but unfortunately, upon eviction, it left me with a staph infection on my tailbone. I couldn’t sit or lie down for a week, and had to go through surgery to get the infection drained out. The timing was no coincidence either. I already had a trip planned for months to go out to Costa Rica, and left about a week after the surgery.

By the grace of God I was healed in time to be able to sit comfortably for the six hour journey. I was still on medication and still a little sore from the operation but that didn’t stop me from participating in the Christmas activities that I so longed to be apart of since last June! I danced and sang in the Christmas musical without any pain or discomfort and by that time I  was completely healed!

I had a lot of fun celebrating Christmas and New Years with my Costa Rican family. But I also received necessary correction from the Lord while I was there. From the very first sermon since arriving, He confronted my disobedient and unbelieving heart (Hebrews 3:7-11). He helped me understand that He will never leave me nor forsake me, and that His promises are as secure as any written contract, but His are so much more valid than any human contract because it is impossible for Him to lie and because He always has the final say (Hebrews 6:15-18; 13:5-6). By the the end of the trip, the Lord ministered to my heart and promised to fulfill the desires of my heart in short time.

With that being, I returned to the States in time for classes to start in January. I didn’t come back the same, but with a fire that burned deep down in my belly. I returned with a joy that lit up my face, and with confidence that what the Lord said will happen, will happen in due time.

As I came back, The Holy Spirit continued to show me in God’s Word how to be faithful (Hebrews 3:14-15), how to rest in Jesus (Matthew 11:28-30; Hebrews 4: 6-10), how to be generous (Isaiah 58: 6-14, 2 Corinthians 9:6-15), how to love others and how to love myself (Romans 13:8-14); not care what other people think about me (Isaiah 2:22; Psalm 146: 3-5; Galatians 1:9-10) and how to be content (1 Corinthians 7: 22-23; Philippians 4:12-13). These are just a few of the many things the Holy Spirit has cooking in my heart…

Then today after prayer, after a moment of crying at Jesus’ feet over some silly anxiety in my heart. I sat down on my bed and began to say to my friend the Holy Spirit, “I really don’t remember in detail where I was exactly this time last year. I mean, I know that I was sad, but I don’t know what was troubling my heart. But I do remember that I spent Valentine’s day with you at Holy Land. It was the day that I saw Jesus and almost ran out into the scene of the garden of Gethsemane to hug him! That was a beautiful memory we shared together…”

Then this thought hit me like an oncoming truck:

“If I don’t remember all of the details of everything that happened precisely one year ago, except that I was sad. Then whatever was troubling me a year ago doesn’t matter today. Neither will whatever troubles me now, matter in a year from now…

And what if tomorrow never comes? What if Jesus returns for me before then in the rapture. Then none of it matters!”

The apostle Paul must have had the same revelation when he wrote this letter to the Philippians:

But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith; 10 that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death,

Philippians 3:7-10

I even agree with what the Holy Spirit inspired Paul to write in verses 11 through 14:

I don’t expect myself to have been perfected in the knowledge of what I’ve learned in the span of these past months, but I do know that I’m still Christ’s work in progress– as we all are until we come to stand before the throne of God, face-to-face before the Master and give an account to Him of all the things we’ve done in this life (2 Corinthians 5:10; Philippians 3:13-14). Only then will we completely understand the grand scheme of His plan (Isaiah 55:6-12). All that will be left for us to do is just love Him, and remain in awe of Him for all of eternity (Revelation 22:13, 17).

I’m not a scholar or a theologian. I’m just a repentant sinner who has a personal relationship with her Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

I love you all, but Jesus loves you more!

 

Your Word is a Lamp Unto My Feet

 

I remember the time I went to the Cave Window back in April for spring break. I remember what it felt like to enter in that damp, dark cavern with only a small light to illuminate my feet. I could literally only see the steps in front of me. Then I had to pass through a tight, uncomfortable space before the light at the end of the tunnel flooded my eyes, and welcomed me with a warmth of wonder and surprise. I didn’t understand or know where I was going but the guide led me along the unfamiliar path. Then all of a sudden, I was there. I was staring in the face of God’s promises for my life.

 

Looking back from that experience to where I am now in life helps to give me perspective. I really don’t understand what’s going on right now in the midst of this uncertainty accompanied with the desires of my heart, and the promises of God’s breakthrough for my family. To tell you the truth, I don’t know how we’re going to get there, but I’m just trusting God.

Allow me to rewind a little bit to about a year ago.

Two days after we returned from our trip to Costa Rica, we were run out of our apartment due to an arson that set the building up in flames. We were homeless for about a month, but God faithfully provided us with this apartment. We received orders from the Lord not to furnish our home, but only to keep the essentials that we needed. We knew that we wouldn’t be here for much longer.

When we got back from Costa Rica this year, God said that it’s time for us to move. Again.

But the thing is, we’ll be moving to another apartment for a month while the new company that bought this complex is completely renovating each building. Hallelujah, because God has answered the prayers of those who desired to see this ghetto cleaned up and restored! I am really thankful to the Lord for this because it’s time this place got a new start! Our hearts however, are set on packing up to go elsewhere. I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you, hehe.

My daddy calls this particular move, Abraham day. He shared with me that when he was in the drug rehabilitation ministry, that his spiritual father set days to shake out all of the brothers in the program from their comfort zones by relocating each of them to a new bed and to another room. My dad used this example to help me understand that God also sets seasons in our lives to shake us out of our comfort zones so that we don’t get too settled in one place.

But I’m here like, “God, did you really have to do it the day after we go back to school?!”

I’m not complaining though! I’m taking this part of the season in strides. I know that there is blessing in this. The benefit of it is that we will at least come back to enjoy the new apartment’s complete renovation! — Until God moves us again.

There is another reason as to why I feel the need to share with you the uncertainty of this particular season that is laying heavy on my heart, and it doesn’t have anything to do with the move, or it’s inconvenience for that matter. It actually has to do with the mystery of what’s become of my mother.

About a few months ago I wrote a Letter to Mom and I got a Reply From Mom in return.

Basically what happened to my mom is this: My mom divorced my dad when I was nine, and completely left my life when I was sixteen. She was diagnosed with a severe case of bipolarism, schizophrenia and paranoia after she had a miscarriage of twins. What I can remember from my mom before then was that she was a strong godly woman but that she later turned her back on the Lord. God used her powerfully as a prophetess. When the Lord spoke to her and revealed things to her about the hidden sins of others, she spoke with words of authority and judgment to the unrepentant sinners, and what the Holy Spirit predicted through her always came to pass. She was a prayer warrior, and an avid faster. She was also a good mother, like a lioness, always ready to protect her babies. She was strong, and fierce but she had one weakness: She had a track record of unfaithfulness to the Lord. She would get right with God and then backslide to the ways of the world on a pursuit of her own will, not God’s. Each and every time she left God’s side, she dug her own holes deeper into sins unimaginable for a child of God, and they swallowed her like quicksand.

It’s not to say that God can’t heal her, because He most certainly can. There is undeniable power in the name of Jesus. But He gives everyone free will and she chose to harden her heart to the One who paid the price of her sins at the cross. That’s why it saddened me to find out a few days after returning from Costa Rica this year that my mom disappeared. According to her living-mate, she came home one night completely belligerent and indecently dressed. She was saying that “God told her” to get off of her meds and find her kids with a man that she was having an affair with, a so called, Vincent Gambini (a dead mafioso). She quit her job, bought a random car and went on a lone road trip. Last we heard, the high way patrol found her broken down car abandoned on the side of the highway. Where is she? Only God knows…. We’ve been waiting for information as we’ve also contacted the police; but here we are with our hands tied. Waiting. What could have become of my mom?

I had a dream about her three nights ago. In the dream she called me, and I asked her where she was and if she was okay? But she hung up. I shared this dream with my dad, and by no coincidence he had the same dream that same night too. What could that mean? Could God be preparing our hearts for something?…

I told God and frequently tell him again and again, “Lord, I know you promised me lots of things concerning my mom. You promised me her restoration, and that you would heal her and use her again to testify about the dangers of walking away from you. But you know what’s best, God. I won’t be mad at you if what you promised doesn’t come to pass because I know that it is impossible for you to lie (Hebrews 6:18). Just give my mom peace from this torment that she’s living. Only you know if she will ever live with a repentant heart. If not, give her the opportunity to repent in the face of death, and take her home with you. My only request to you Lord is that my mom not die in her sins. Jesus, have mercy on her soul…”

These words are on my heart everyday that the mystery of my mom is kept sealed. I just pray for the light of knowing what’s happened to her. To accept something. To know that she’s ok. To move on. This is really hard for me to process, because I was always holding on to the hope of being reunited to the woman of God I remember her to be. I pray for her well being though. Whether here on earth, but more so for her eternity. If I can’t have her back now, then I hope to see her again in heaven.

So here I am walking through the temporary season of this dark cave. With boxes cluttering my room, filled with the reminder of Abraham day. But more so with the hopes of God’s promises for my family and my life. I hold fast to what the Word of God promises me in places like Jeremiah 29:11 and Isaiah 55:8-9. I’ve decided not to let my heart be troubled and not to be afraid because Jesus is here to take me by the hand and lead me to the flood of light that I once saw at the end of the way– that day I went into the cave.

Made for Love

I know of a young woman, who all her life chased the illusion of love. She always gave her heart away to the first boys who passed her by. Frogs disguised as princes, who could never offer her what her heart most desired. Yet she chased and chased and chased so many frogs, giving away the pieces of her heart to be recklessly broken again and again. You’d think she’d learn after a while, but she was just so thirsty for love… When she finally realized that love could be found in none other but the Prince of Peace, she still treated Him with caution; as if He too would break her heart like the impostors of her past. Every time He’d try to show her the love she desired, she ran away in the opposite direction, to impostors who disguised themselves in robes of light. She’d break her Prince’s heart each and every time she ran away, but He would allure her back in by consistently showing her that His love is true.

He gave her promises of a life worth living, a life of Worship, and of a prince for her made in His likeness. He showed her first that she needed cleansing, a new heart, and a new spirit. So He began to cleanse her with His Words of Life and Righteousness. He dressed her in robes of white, and crowned her head with flowers of Grace. He mended her broken soul, and filled her life with purpose, then He began to give His lovely thoughts and desires to be her own. He showed her her worth, and poured into her heart all the love she craved. He said to her, “you are Mine, my lovely bride, my betrothed. I am yours.”

She found herself embraced in a love like no other; a love she never knew. A love that can’t be found in mere mortals, but is found only in the One who formed her soul. A love so pure, a love so forgiving, so sweet, honest and sincere. A love that is selfless and is truly satisfying. This love chases away all the fears she ever knew. This love is like a light that swallows up the evils of the night and gives her heart certain hope of joyful days.

Today she is seeing the promises that her Prince of Peace spoke to her begin to manifest; promises of Worship and of the prince made for her in His likeness– that it breaks her heart to imagine that she ever thought that she could find love in anyone or anything but in the King of kings! But she realizes today that she was made for love. A love story worthy of the cross, a love story worthy of rings and to spend in the presence of her God for all eternity…

My Portion of Grace

Hello friends! I know it’s been a while since my last post, and I would like to apologize for that. To be honest with you, the past couple of weeks have been of great growth in my personal relationship with Christ: spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and as well personally with my family.

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Photo by Jeremy Gallman on Unsplash.

I can tell you that since my deliverance from depression– all thanks to Jesus Christ! I have a lot more clarity, joy, and ability to reason and see the reality of things with a new perspective through faith (2 Corinthians 5:7). This new perspective is greater than my own. It is God’s perspective. I’ve realized that life doesn’t revolve around me, but rather, my life is one of servitude to God and others around me. My life is a testament to the wonders of what God has done, will do, and is most importantly doing right now in my life; here today, at this very moment. To keep this perspective I must forget about what is passed and what not yet is, but keep my eyes fixed on Jesus.

 

Ever since my family returned from Costa Rica last July, we have fought an uphill battle. Recalling what God spoke to us in the mountains of that beautiful land, He gave each of us (my dad, brother and myself) confirmations in regard to prophetic promises that have been already spoken over our lives. These promises are directed towards our ministries and personal lives a like, all for the glory of Jesus Christ. After we returned back to the flat lands of Florida, here in the valley was where our faith was put to the test. With little to no breaks, the enemy has been bashing us from left to right. Two days after returning from Costa Rica, we were run out of our apartment with other tenants who were victims of an arson fire, due to the envies of criminal activity in our neighborhood. We with the seven other families, were homeless for two weeks, but God provided everything we needed. Then the time came that we moved into our new apartment; renovated and at the same price for the other one that was lost in the fire. Keeping our home unfurnished, we’ve stuck to the essentials as we wait for our time to go. In the meantime, our neighborhood continued to get worse before it got better, but the Lord heard our prayers and there are huge changes happening in this complex for the better. The ghetto will no longer be the ghetto. Thank you Jesus!

While these changes have been occurring, Jesus has also been making changes within me. He has been enlightening the dark chambers of my heart and affirming my faith in Him to the certainty of His promises everyday. His consistency and grace has relieved me from the fears that plagued my heart. The fears that told me that God wouldn’t do what He promised.

Around two weeks ago, I searched the scriptures of my bible to better understand what the apostle Paul meant when he quoted the Lord our God who said, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9)” I’ve heard this verse repeated so many times before, but left without explanation. It was only for me to know that God’s grace is enough. This quote from the bible made me feel like a child who asks, “but why mommy?” and mommy’s only reply is a short, “because I said so.”

It probably might even come as a shock to you that in the intimacy of my prayers, I cried out to God and told Him that He wasn’t enough. I desperately wanted Him to be enough, but in my desperation, He wasn’t. In love, my Heavenly Father knew what to do with that prayer, and He showed me that He is indeed everything that I need.

So the next day after that prayer I went to the back of my bible to the concordance. I looked up the words “portion” and “grace”. I wrote down every scripture that cited those two words and thanks to God, my understanding was greatly opened!

I’ll add the scriptures to the bottom of this post if you desire to search the bible for yourself on these topics, but what I learned is this:

Psalm 16:5-6 says O Lord, You are the portion of my inheritance and my cup; You maintain my lot. The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places; Yes, I have a good inheritance.

Jesus himself is my portion. A small sentence, yet full of so much meaning for the believer. The bible says in John 10:10 that Jesus came to give us life in abundance. This abundant life is given to us due to the blood sacrifice He made for us on the cross, because Jesus was wounded for our transgressions, and crushed for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon Him (see Isaiah 53). Jesus died so that we could be a part of his inheritance as children of God; no longer slaves to sin or to our own weaknesses but through Jesus’ sufferings, we are able to enjoy the daily provision of life that God gives to those who believe in faith.

The bible says in Acts 17:26-28 From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. ‘For in him we live and move and have our being.’

So because of the cross, I am able to live a full life of joy in the presence of God (Psalm 16:11). The inheritance and the lot that God gives me today is not necessarily material riches, but they are my daily needs (Matthew 6:9). God has assigned to each of us the place on earth where we are to live and the appointed time we are to remain in that place, because there is a purpose. There is purpose in which I am to remain in Florida for the time being, because this is where God has placed me and my family to draw closer to Him. For today in this moment, this is my portion from God. Though we live in the ghetto, we have never been harmed, without food, clothing, or the means to pay the bills. We have health, education, and we have each other. We have all of this because of God’s grace. Not because we deserve it, but because of his mercies that extend to us here and now, regardless of His promises for our future, He loves us and gives us everything we need today. We have this fullness when we realize that Jesus gives us this grace when we make an exchange of our lives for His at the feet of the cross.

Grace doesn’t end there. Our inheritance and portion of eternal life is found in the resurrection of Jesus Christ. When Jesus died he was given authority to take up his life again because he had no sin (John 10:17-18, 2 Corinthians 5:21). He humbled himself in such a way– to save the life of sinners and to give us freedom– that God exalted him and sat him at His right hand (Philippians 2:5-11; Mark 10:45; Mark 16:9). Jesus is the first example of what our glorified bodies will be like when we pass away from this world and resurrect in Him (1 Corinthians 15:20, 40-44). Jesus is the resurrection and the life; whoever believes in Him will live even if he dies (John 11:25). Those who think of such things purify themselves as they fix their eyes on Jesus Christ (1 John 3:1-3). Doing this we honor God’s command that says, “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth … but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. “For where your treasre is, there your heart will be also.

How gracious is the God that I serve! How much more can I entrust Him with my life when He gave us His only Son to die in our place? If He’s able to care for my eternal inheritance through Jesus Christ, how much more is He able to guard the inheritances of His promises to me and my family?

 For when God made a promise to Abraham, because He could swear by no one greater, He swore by Himself,  saying, “Surely blessing I will bless you, and multiplying I will multiply you.” And so, after he had patiently endured, he obtained the promise. For men indeed swear by the greater, and an oath for confirmation is for them an end of all dispute. Thus God, determining to show more abundantly to the heirs of promise the immutability of His counsel, confirmed it by an oath,  that by two immutable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we might have strong consolation, who have fled for refuge to lay hold of the hope set before us. This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which enters the Presence behind the veil, where the forerunner has entered for us, even Jesus, having become High Priest forever according to the order of Melchizedek (Hebrews 6:13-20).

I thank God for his love and his faithfulness because the whole year in which has passed I have been at unease in having to return to Costa Rica to face the promises that are for me, but not being able to claim them yet. God’s timing is perfect and purposeful. In two days we’ll return to the place where our hearts are most delighted on earth, but we have our hope in God. He knows how to get us there. His ways are greater, and there is much to learn along the way.

Please pray for my family that we may have safe travels and be empowered by the Holy Spirit to share the gospel of Jesus Christ with boldness, to those who need to hear the word of God from us while we’re in Costa Rica.

I hope to keep up with my blog while we’re there! I know that I’ll have lots more to share. I hope that you may also be able to rest in the portion of grace that God has given to you today. Lets together keep our eyes fixed on Jesus Christ (Hebrews 12:1-2)! ❤

“Portion”: Psalm 16:5, 73:26, 119:57; Isaiah 53:12, 61:7; Jeremiah 10:16; Lamentations 3:24; Matthew 24:51; Luke 12:42, 15:12.

“Grace”: Genesis 6:8; Psalm 45:2, 84:11; Zechariah 12:10; Luke 2:40; John 1:17; Acts 4:33; Romans 5:17, 11:6; 2 Corinthians 12:9, 13:14, 8:9; Galatians 5:4; Ephesians 1:7, 2:8, 4:7, 6:24; Hebrews 12:28; James 4:6; 2 Peter 3:18.

Disclaimer: I am not a scholar or a theologian. I’m just a repentant sinner who has a personal relationship with her Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

The Best Single Day of My Life

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Photo by Cristian Newman on Unsplash.

This morning I wanted to try something different. Instead of thinking too far ahead in my future, and about what didn’t happen yesterday, I asked Father God for one request: “Make today the best single day of my life, in Jesus’ name.”

So I went about my business, praising the Lord as I got myself ready to run errands with my dad. I’m not going to lie to you when I say that too many times before I’ve taken for granted my dad’s company; but I am so blessed to have my dad around especially when so many people at his age are unhealthy. He’s a vigorous and seasoned man of sixty two years, who can keep up with and even surpass people half his age. I thank God for my dad’s endurance and strength as we ran around all over town to get stuff done in preparation for our return trip to Costa Rica that’s in less than two weeks.

Where I used to take for granted the long winded conversations of my chatty father, today I chose to listen with intent. I learned something new about him as we bonded in the presence of God at the laundromat, in Subway, in the car on our way to the bank, the post office, the grocery store and back home. That time was precious because we laughed, and we even cried as he shared a new portion of his testimony with me that I didn’t already know.

There was another part of my day that really left an impression on my heart. When we were coming out of the dollar store, we saw an African American woman sitting on one of the pillars that held up the roof to the plaza’s breezeway. The woman seemed as if she lived on the streets; her clothes were dirty and torn, and her face looked sad and preoccupied. When my dad and I exited the store and we saw her there, I gave her the biggest smile that bubbled up from the abundance of my heart. To my pleasant surprise, this woman smiled back! Her eyes brightened up, and as if automatically, the corners of her mouth raised to the apples of her cheeks! Like the parting of an elegant grand curtain that revealed the most beautiful, genuine smile that I’d ever seen. It didn’t matter that she had a few teeth missing, that her face was dirty, or that she didn’t have anything to offer me. It was that smile I received in return, that ignited hope and love within me.

Now that I’m back home, sitting on the comfort of my bed, under the roof that God provides for our family, I remember the prayer to my Heavenly Father this morning. I think about the tears that my dad and I shed together after we parted from the woman, and to think that I’d probably never see her again… It was a moment where God filled us both with the joy of His desires, as He reminded my dad from where Jesus delivered him. He too was on the streets at one time; a slave to sin, drugs and poverty. My heart was filled all the more with compassion for the poor and with the desire to step outside of my comfort zone, to give and share the love of Jesus with the people who can’t give me anything in return.

I thank God for this day, for the blessings of His grace and the mercies of His love. It’s beautiful how He took His time to show us that love is as simple as a smile, and as generous as the blood of Jesus that was liberally poured out for all at the cross. And who knows how God can turn around that woman’s life, just like he did for my daddy’s! Anything is possible with God! So I pray that wherever the road of life may take her, that at least for tonight she may have a hot meal, and a safe place to sleep.

With all that being said, I had such a wonderful day. Thank you Jesus for the best single day of my life!

Other Side of The Fence

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Photo by Micah. H on Unsplash.

Where has the time gone? Just three years ago I graduated from high school, and here I am, in the very place that I tried so hard to run away from. I’ve always been a quiet child with a loud mind. Fearful yet vengeful, waiting for the opportunity to escape and leave behind this Godforsaken place, or so I thought.

It wasn’t until Junior year that I met the girl who would help me come out of my shell. A tough, feminine outspoken girl with long beautiful raven tresses that flowed down her back. She didn’t take crap from anyone, yet deep down, she was soft to the core. I needed a friend, and she needed me. Her friendship seemed promising, but the truth is, I wanted to be just like her.

At first our fun was innocent enough. We shared four out of six classes together and began to take our homework back to her house. I got to meet her family, and her family met my dad and brother. Hers is a family of mostly women, and they seemed like the sisters I never had. Loud, rambunctious, and crazy; a great difference from my quiet home. Her family always made their own fun and I enjoyed every moment. We laughed, we danced, we played in the rain and we flirted with boys. We gossiped, we swore, we made our own parties, and later we went to church. It was all in fun. All of it was just harmless, innocent fun.

I remember to this day, how sad I felt when she had so many offers to prom and I had none. I felt like I wasn’t pretty enough but it’s actually kind of funny because, I remember how she genuinely tried to help me get a date. I never got my prince charming that night in Paris, but we still had “fun” dirty dancing with our own little group. Then later that night we went back to her house and started to drink. I can’t really tell you what happened because my memory fails me. Graduation day was the best day of all. We got ready together, took lots of pictures and remembered the good times we shared during the past two years. That night was a repeat of prom. We went back to another friend’s house and celebrated our graduation. If I remember correctly that night after we had our fun, we stayed the night at her sisters house and got high. I can tell you that even though we were all giggles and the room was spinning, I didn’t like that feeling much at all; but it was K2 and we were curious and nobody else had to know. I can tell you this, the head aches the next morning were not as “fun” as the night before.

Then summer time came, and my dad and brother went off to Costa Rica. They were preaching the gospel while I kept on sinning. My friend and I just got deeper into our antics. I got sick and ended up in the hospital. She was there for me for the time being, but I was scared for my life and thought that God hated me. Hypochondria set in and I felt disgusting. “Who would love me now?” But it was all just a lie from the enemy, a trap that he caught me in. A few days passed by and I just wanted to go back home. So her mom took me back to my dad’s empty apartment. No one else was home. I was all alone. I was scared out of my mind, so I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and went to sleep. The dreams I had were crazy, and the hallucinations became so real! I woke up screaming “God, I’m so sorry! Make all of this go away!” but God was quiet while I reaped what I had sown.

I remember that same summer my friend got pregnant, and I walked in on her the day it happened. They were in complete disregard to my presence, so I got what I needed and ran out of the room. I was embarrassed by what I saw, but how could I be when I was just like her. After she found out that she had conceived, she was scared and didn’t know what to do. The options were before her and abortion seemed like the only way out. I didn’t agree with that decision but I was fogged by my sins and just wanted her to be okay. She was there for me and the least I could do was be there for her. I helped her call all the clinics near by, but all the offices were too far away or too expensive, and she was ashamed to get a grant for help. Now as I think back, I thank God nothing happened to her beautiful baby girl because while I was there in the room as she gave birth, I saw the miracle of life being born. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I held that little one in my arms. To this day my heart goes out to her as they both appear in my dreams; it’s the only way I can see that beautiful little baby.

A few months passed by, and the unimaginable occurred. I opened up my bible and fell to my knees, giving my heart back to the Lord. The cross finally clicked for me; I didn’t have to keep living this way anymore! I texted her after it happened and told her that everything’s going to be okay! Jesus found me, and I’m not going to suffer anymore! At the moment she was happy for me, but time moved on steadily. I began to read my bible everyday, and began to see the error of my ways. Jesus wanted me to walk away from her….

I said, “Jesus how could I? She’s my friend! She’s been there for me and she knows things about me that no one else knows!” I tried to share my new relationship with Christ with her, but she just wouldn’t have it. She said, “Ever since you started all that church stuff, you don’t want to hang out anymore.” and Jesus just kept telling me, “My love, just let her go.”

For a while I felt guilty, like I was abandoning her. I thought about her baby and thought how much I’d miss that little girl. I returned to Costa Rica in June 2013 and Jesus showed me great and awesome things. I met people who love the Lord with all their heart; their lives were different and the youth were on fire! When I came back to Florida that late July, I brought her baby a pair of authentic booties and told her about all the amazing things that God was doing in my life. Her response was that she loves God in her own way, but she was happy for me. However, later I’d receive a slap to the face. She threw my past back at me in the summer of 2014 while I was away in Costa Rica. Her message read, “Do you really think your new little Christian friends will accept you if they knew what I do? No one is ever going to accept you if they did. You’re a horrible friend and worthless piece of sh**! I don’t need your prayers, and I don’t need you!” All I could say was, “I’m sorry that you feel that way, but Jesus comes first. I love you and that won’t ever change. If you ever need a sister in Christ, I’m here for you. Please, don’t forget that.”

It really hurt– I’m not going to lie, to let her go, but Jesus knew the condition of her heart as He kept showing me that “Bad company corrupts good character” (1 Corinthians 15:33).

The bible says, “do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever? And what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For you are the temple of the living God. As God has said: “I will dwell in them and walk among them, I will be their God, and they shall be My people” therefore “come out from among them and be separate, says the Lord. Do not touch what is unclean, and I will receive you.” “I will be a Father to you, and you shall be My sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.(2 Corinthians 6:14-18)”

“So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do in the futility of their thinking. They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to induldge in every kind of impurity, and they are full of greed. That, however, is not the way of life you learned when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires, to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. (Ephesians 4:17-24)”

You see, my life with her was only for a season. A season that God permitted to turn my rebellion around for the purpose of His plan for my life. If I were to say that I miss her, then that would mean I miss the times we had. Now that I know better, all those times we had are only just memories. Yet, I don’t fault her for what she threw in my face because I know that it was just the enemy speaking through her. However, I can say that I love her, but sometimes it’s best to love from a distance. In this time I’m on the other side of the fence and I thank God for bringing me here. If I were to cross the fence to try to get back to her, then I would be in dangerous territory and out of the will of God, making me an open target for the enemy to lure me back into deeper and worse sins than before. I pray for this young woman who used to be my friend and I hope with all of my heart that one day she’ll come to know the same love that changed my life. The love of Jesus Christ.

I thank you Jesus, so much for your love, mercy and your grace. You brought me out of a dark place! Never let me forget from where you delivered me so that I can always be humble and help those who are on the fence with their lives. I thank you for giving me back my virtue and purity, for showing me my worth and how loved I am by You. I ask you Father to show all of your daughters that they are your special flowers. They are Your roses of Sharon; lilies among thorns in a world that displays evil as good. I thank you Jesus for showing me that no friend is worth the expense of the cross and my eternal life with you. I bless your name, Jesus and I bless the life of the one who is reading this. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Disclaimer: I am not a scholar or a theologian. I am just a repentant sinner who has a relationship with her Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.